[this post has no content]

This will matter to no one but Pappy, Wilson, and maybe danz0r if he reads this still. If you're not one of those guys, don't bother reading this as it will most likely have nothing interesting to you contained herein.

I'm sorry that you think that I, Wilson, or/and both of us is unapproachable or unwilling to listen. Speaking for at least myself, I don't want to be. Pappy, you can talk to me anytime. I'm usually the one bringing up the apartment because I want to live here in Amherst over the summer. If we get an apartment, I'll live there. If not, I should start looking for a sublet, or a job in Branford. Either way, to me, this is not fall that I'm planning for, it's THIS summer. Please talk to me about it, I need to know what is going on so I know what I need to do and what kind of money I need to have for whatever is going to happen.

Here's the thing. Wilson and I want to live together. I love him very much and I know he loves me. We live together in my room anyhow. Pappy, you're the one that started the reference of my room as "home" and the reference of Wilson's room as "danz0r's room." You know that we live together now. Moving off campus together would just make it legal and more convenient for us to do something that's going to happen one way or another. Wilson and I want to live together. He's 20 and so I am just so you know. Yes, it's a committment, but I plan to make bigger committments to him than just a 12 month lease, so it's not a big deal.

Wilson and I can't really afford a one or two bedroom by ourselves. Plus, we WANT you to live with us, and we WANT danz0r to live with us too. If you don't, we have to find other people to and that prospect is not as good. Worst case, I live in the room I have now and Wilson gets some random room on campus, hopefully a single so he doesn't have to deal with some random roommate. He'll hate that, and he'll resent you for his situation. It's a huge pain in the ass the way we are living now and that's just what we'll be doing again.

So worst case for the new apartment is Wilson and I fight a lot. Then I either suck it up, and continue living there (which bigs boys and girls can do -- deal with their problems rationally), or I eat my part of the rent and I move out, or I bail on you leaving WILSON stranded with my section of the rent. Either way, you're not really affected. You're not affected monetarily and if don't like our bitching, put on your headphones, talk a walk, or just tell us to shut the fuck up. That simple.

You saw the place today. I know you like it. The three bedroom would be sweet. Even if danz0r doesn't end up living with us, and I really hope he CAN live with us, we can find someone else or we should each pay a little more. Besides, there are no 2 bedroom vacancies. It's nice and it is not going to be as bad as you say.

I'll be on campus most of the day (like talking 8:30 am to 8:30 pm) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. On Tuesdays and Thursday, I'll be working or at the house, but you'll be at class. I really won't see you that much. Wilson and I won't see each other that much either, probably less than now actually.

I would like you to point out when we're fighting. I don't think we bicker like you say. I think sometimes we joke around and you take it that we're serious. Hunny, lighten up. We're not fighting. I think Wilson and I get along good. There have been a few bumps along the way, but we're two reasonable people and we have worked through all the problems that we have faced so far and we can do the same in the future. Don't worry so much!

Live a little Pappy. You're only young once, enjoy it. You don't really want to live with random people. Wouldn't you rather know what you're getting into? Are we really that bad??

1212 Out.

"Get on your knees. I want to fuck you hard." I like those words. Does that make me a bad person? I certainly don't think so. If it does, it's going to be a happy trip to hell for this little girl. Catholicism can go straight to helltoo. You know what, it's premarital sex and I love it. Can't get enough of it. I've been fucked 3 times since 9:30 tonight and it's been so good. I love that my roommate goes home every weekend (Thursday afternoon to Monday morning). I love that I'm now on birth control and have no worries. I love that Wilson is so good in bed and knows just what to do. I love that I can get on my knees and get it from behind. If you don't like that, you can fa fa fuck off. You're just jealous. Maybe you want it from behind too and you're not getting it. Sorry, I feel for you man, really I do. Maybe you'd like to be ramming your hardness into some tight little girl kneeling in front of you. It's oh so good, better than stonies eating dough fingers from Dominos with that delicious white sauce.

In other news, danz0r may be living with us afterall. Pappy and Wilson are pretty shitty at the art of persuasion. I talked to danz0r a little tonight and maybe it will be possible after all. I think it would be mad phat. I love Wilson and Pappy and danz0r and I'd love to live with them all. One girl, three guys, what could be better than that? That's perfect!

Wilson, my mad sexy incrdible boyfriend is passed out, exhausted, in my bed. In a few hours I'll get to go to bed with him and I couldn't be happier about that. He's an amazing guy, I love him more than I thought possible. He's sweet and he's caring and sometimes he gives me my way even when it conflicts with his -- not always though and that's kind of nice too. He's a great guy, a fantastic friend, and an incredible lover. What more can a girl ask for? I've got NO complaints about Wilson.

Drama queen. Do I portray myself like that? I certainly hope not. I don't consider myself a drama queen and I certainly don't strive to be one. What drama was it that made Wilson leave stats? I wanted to jump his bones and he said he'd let me. That's what it was. Hey, if you were in class and your girlfriend came and asked "baby please come with me, I want you in my mouth, and I want you to fuck me hard," what would you do? Dude, you can get the notes you missed, go fuck your girlfriend for the love of all that is right in the world. Have sex, enjoy your cock while you can still get it up, use it so that you'll never forget how. Seriously, about the drama queen thing, I'm not one. If you think I am, open your eyes darling. I'm not. Bickering? Yes, Wilson and I are two strong willed people, neither of which are used to losing an argument. Consequently neither of us are used to really listening to and considering too deeply the other side. We're working on it. Plus we only like to fight when Pappy is around. I can't get enough of him rolling his eyes at me. I'm a crazy bitch, lacking all reason and accountability! Hot damn!

I like to have sex. I don't like drama. I like the idea of living with three men, three sexy men at that. I love my life right now. Stress is low, enjoyment is high. Be young, have fun. Consider yourselves lucky to be alive right now. I love you all!

1212 Out.

It's days like today and weeks like this one that make me lie in bed at night and say if there is a God of whatever sort who is responsible for all this, thanks. Monday was incredibly nice out, just beautiful. I spent my two hours of office hours outside on the campus center steps doing my proofs homework with the sun on my shoulders and a light breeze blowing over me. It was just perfect. The rest of the week was a little cooler and windier, but still so nice, nice especially in comparison to all the snow and shitty winter days that we have finally (hopefully) gotten past.

Today Wilson and I woke up around noon when I got a call from a friend that I haven't talked to (purposely) in a few months. I have finally just recently forgiven her and we're starting to rebuild our friendship. If you remember, this was that friend, I believe I called her Pam, who messed around with my boyfriend (ex boyfriend now) David. Anyway, David was no great prize and I'm glad I'm not with him. I mean, if I had stayed with David, I would have trasferred home to Bridgewater State College and then I would have never met Wilson and Pappy and such. Everything happens for a reason I guess. Plus, I don't know, but one say out of nowhere I just thought what if something were to happen to Pam? Like, what if she got into a car accident and died? Would this really be the way that I wanted to have things end? The answer is no. We had a fight, but we can get past it. Who am I to judge her? I've made mistakes too. So anyway, I have started talking to an old friend and that's really nice.

This week has just been beautiful weather. I haven't had hardly any homework or work. Things are going well. I really can't complain about anything. Life is good. It's just a really good time to be alive.

Yesterday, Wilson and I cruised on down to Wal-mart in my convertible (top down of course) and we bought rollerblades. They're actually 2XS brand inline skates, but whatever. I tried them on in the store and rollerbladed out wearing them. Wilson isn't as adventurous. We went back to campus and picked up Pappy, went out for some damn tasty chicken wings. We dropped Pappy off, came back to my room, rollerbladed over the Pappy's place again, hung out a while, rollerbladed home, and then went out with Pappy and Preacherman. It was fun and mildly painful skating around with Wilson. I think I was a little over ambitious thinking that on my first attempt to rollerblade, I could make it all the way to Pappy's. We did it though, and it was good exercise. I'm on my way to being not as fat anymore, I hope.

Today, like I said, Wilson and I woke up around noon. Lounged around a bit and then took a nap. At a little before 3 we got up to take showers and what not. Then we walked into town, got some pizza, walked around a bit, went shopping, and walked home. It was a lazy afternoon and oh God was it nice. It was perfect weather, not too hot, but the sun was shining. There was a nice cool breeze though and (probably due to it being Easter weekend and all) there weren't too many people out. It was just real real nice.

Well that's all I wanted to say. If there's a God, thanks for the past week, keep up the good work. If there isn't, I don't know. In any case, life is good.

So kiddies, sit back a bit, relax, enjoy the nice weather before it passes you by. Keep your priorities straight. Put off your work a little and go out and enjoy the fresh air. If you have any homework or work than can be done outside, do that. If not, do it later. Fly a kit, take a walk, ride a bike, rollerblade, hang with your friends, cruise around in a convertible, just do something. Make memories. :-)

1212 Out.

So, it's 4:00 on Sunday. This weekend Wilson and I went to my house because I had some business to attend to on Saturday afternoon. We left here Friday afternoon and were back by Saturday night. Anyhow, in that time, we visited a friend of mine from home. I had a belated birthday gift to give. This is was my first visit to his house. Let me explain that a bit. I've known this particular friend (let's call him Kram) for about 5 years or so. In that time, I think he has moved 3 times. I went to one of his houses, but I hadn't even been to the one where he is living now. He lives with his girlfriend, Irrek, and their 1 year old son, Kcaz. Kram just turned 19 years old. I believe Irrek is still 18. Like I said, Kcaz just turned 1 -- 9 days after Kram turned 19 coincidentally. Anyhow, I had a gift for Kcaz so I went over there Friday night to deliver it and see my little buddy. After a little driving back and forth, we finally found the house. Kram hadn't left any lights on and I didn't know which door to go to or anything. I didn't want to disturb anyone. Like I said, Kram lives with Irrek, Kcaz, Irrek's parents, brother, and grandmother. It's a four generation house. Anyhow, Irrek's grandmother lets us in and tells us Kram is upstairs. We get up there and Kram lets us in. His twin brother, Evad, is there, along with their friend Mit and ofcourse my little buddy Kcaz. The place is a shit hole. Sorry, but it is really kind of awful. There is crap all over the floor - clothes, toys, etc. The bed is not made. Kcaz's crib is in the corner. There is a table at the end of the bed. There is no room to walk around. Wilson and I can't even get in, we just stand at the doorway. About 5 minutes after we get there, Irrek gets home from work (at Stop & Shop). She has cookies in her apron pocket, which she gives to Kcaz and everyone else...Wilson and I decline. Kcaz eats the cookies, mashes it up, gets chocolate all over the place, drops it on the floor, eats it up still, and so on. We make small talk with Irrek, Kram, and everyone until we finally leave.

On the way over to the house, Wilson and I had been talking. You know, when you hear about teenage pregnancy, a lot of people will be like "oh how sad, they've ruined their lives blah blah blah." At least, that's the attitude that my mother has. So Wilson and I were talking about that. I was saying that I didn't think Kram and Irrek ruined their lives. I mean, maybe it wasn't the best way to go about things, but so what. They were doing okay and Kcaz is adorable. Blah blah blah.

So Wilson and I say goodbye, nice seeing you, blah blah, and we leave. As soon as we're both in the car, I turn to Wilson and say "Okay, so maybe they did ruin their lives." Then we talked about how we never ever want to be in that situation, which is what this post was supposed to be about.

Wilson and I are both going to college. Granted Wilson will probably make more money than me and he will probably be the supporter of our family, but still I will make something of myself and I will have a respectable job. We will have a nice clean house - not live with his parents or mine. Hopefully when we have our children we will be finally secure are both old enough to drink! I don't know, I think all I'm trying to say is hopefully we can plan things a little better.

I don't want to be a dumpy 18 year old, working at Stop & Shop all my free time, coming home to a sty to take care of my one year old son, while my boyfriend/fiance/husband has maybe worked at little at Circuit City, but sat around for the rest of the day with his friends, playing Japanese anime type video games (on a Play Station 2 or one of their 2 computers) while our baby eats cookies off a dirty floor. Where are the priorities? They have 2 computers and Play Stations 2, but they can't get themselves out of that shithole and make a decent life for their child?

Children having children. I just don't understand. I don't want kids til I'm 30!

1212 Out.

I didn't expect so many responses. Thank you. This is what I get out of it: Mixing prescription drugs and recreational drugs is dumb and I shouldn't have done it. Well yes, that seems so perfectly clear NOW.

I want to share some things with you all, help you understand what I'm going through in case you care. So there is a reason that I am on Paxil. I'm not going to broadcast that here. Stone said apologies are something that need to be done in person and I think disclosing all my personal problems and some of the darker areas in my personal history is one of those in-person type things, not something to be open on display for anyone who has internet access. Anyhow, there is a reason that I am on it.

Why not come off? Withdrawal for one and fear of returning to the state of mind that I was once in - not a happy place or a happy time in my life, a time filled with self loathing, self deprecation, self doubt, self hatred, romanticization of death, and so on and so on.

I think though, that avoiding withdrawal the primary reason for sticking with the happy pills. I am much happier with my life now (mainly because of Wilson) than I was about a year ago when I started on the pills. I don't things would be as bad as before or even bad at all if I could get off my medication.

It's really just the withdrawal that I don't want to go through. I went home one weekend last semester and left my meds there. I was going home again the next weekend, so my parents didn't see any reason to mail me my pills and I couldn't get any more, so I had to wait. It was no fun, let me tell you. Withdrawal. It was a worse feeling than what I felt before I even went on the pills. That was for a week and then I got to take my meds again. I don't know how long it would've lasted if I hadn't gotten my medication back.

Anyway, want to know what withdrawal is like? Well I found a website listing some of the most commonly reported symptoms. I picked out the ones that I experience :

from List 1

• extraordinarily vivid (terrifying) dreams
• feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it
• unconventional dizziness/vertigo
• memory and concentration problems
• panic attacks (even if you never had them before)
• intense fear of loosing your sanity
• suicidal thoughts

from List 2

• severe mood swings
• headaches

from List 3

• hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells
• nausea
• shakiness

The website says, after listing the symptoms in three columns "Whereas the symptoms in column 3 are a nuisance, and the ones in column 2 are barely tolerable, it is the column 1 ones that redefine the term nightmare. Their nature is such, that you will find yourself questioning your sanity on a continual basis."

Coming off the medication is maybe even worse than never having been on it. But being on it is fine, except for my experiences with its combination with recreational drugs and alcohol.

Want to know what I was going through yesterday? Here's the best I can describe it. I was lying on Pappy's bed and, all of a sudden, I was so cold. I got under his blanket, which is a nice down comforter type thing. It was so soft and warm and it made me feel like I was lying on a cloud. It was about here that I half left reality and started living in a dream like sequence. As long as I can keep those dreams and thoughts happy, then I am fine, but when they turn to nightmares and I'm living them and I can't seem to shake myself out of them, is when it turns scary. In anycase, I was lying on my cloud up in Heaven. My grandmother was there since she died about 6 years ago. My cousin Chris was also there, but he isn't dead. But I'm not dead and I was there, so it seemed okay. I was just floating around, thoughts in my head skipping from family parties, to long hot summers when I was little and had nothing to do other than run around in the sun, swim, and play games. It was happier times when I had no worries and no work to do. Life was carefree and fun. There was a gentle breeze and I was just a light little bubble floating gently on the breeze. I layed on Pappy's bed enjoying letting my mind wander through all my happy memories, trying to recpature that carefree feeling and trying to recapture the power of a child's imagination.

Then it turned sexual. I don't know why. It first became incestual with my cousin. It was a little disconcerting, but I knew that I was okay, and I knew that it was only a "dream". Although a very vivid dream, I could tell still that it wasn't real which is the important part. I told Wilson that we had to go home so he started to put on his shoes and get ready. This made Pappy think he was tired and wanted to go to bed. Then I changed my mind and just wanted to stay in bed. I wasn't enjoying the feeling as much so I just wanted to sleep it off. While Wilson was getting his shoes on and trying to get me up, my sexual dreams turned mildly violent - which goes back to my ex boyfriend. The best way to describe things is that he was always agressive. So that was all coming back on me which was fine, because physically I could feel that I was still on my cloud so I knew it wasn't real.

So Wilson wants to get me home so we can go to bed. He had told me that things were all psychological and I wasn't tripping or anything like that when I get high. If I have scary dreams or get afraid or whatever, it's all in my head. Well I could feel that coming on and I didn't want anyone to get mad at me. I had been trying to control my daydreams or whatever you want to call it, control my other reality, but it was turning bad. I hoped if I could just wait it out and it would go away, Wilson and Pappy would be none the wiser and they couldn't get mad at me. BUT since I told Wilson we needed to go home, he was trying to get me out of bed. Feeling his hands on my and feeling him leaning over me merged with what was going on in my head. It went from being a scary dream that I knew I was dreaming to being a scary dream that I could now feel physically. I don't know how to describe it and you can't know what's it's like unless you go through it and no one in their right mind would WANT to go through it. Just trust me, it's a scary thing to not feel in control and for whatever is happening to NOT be anything that you want to happen.

Have you ever had one of those really realistic, mundane dreams where you can't tell if it was real or not? Like, you have a conversation with your mom about what's for dinner. It seems perfectly normal and there's no reason why it couldn't have been real. So you wonder if you had that conversation or not? That's just annoying to not be able to distinguish something like that.

What I feel is sort of similar, except that the dreams are so bizarre and usually very scary. They have to be dreams, and I think I know that, but they feel so real. I'm so scared that they are real and that i'm losing my mind by thinking that they are just dreams. It is terrible to not know what is real and what is a dream and what is in my head and what other people see too. It shakes the foundation of everything I know and makes me worry that the only escape I have from all this would to be end everything, just kill myself and be done with it. It's a scary scary thing to not know where reality begins and ends.

In any case, I finally got up and Pappy took us home. Thank you, by the way, Pappy, for not making me ride the Escort Service. I'm feeling better now, but still not quite right. I can safely say that I am all done with brain chemistry for a good long time. Maybe if I ever get off my Paxil, MacGuyver and I can be reacquainted. Until then though, I'm content to hang out with you all, sleep on the air mattress, or in danz0r's room, or leave when I'm tired so I can make it back to Southwest.

Thank you to Wilson for being my knight in shining armour and standing by me while my head calmed down and I could get straightened out again. Sorry to anyone who has had to read my apologies. I'll keep them more private from now on. Thanks to anyone that is still reading.

I'll be on my best behavior from now on. No more mixing drugs. Pappy, Preacherman, Wilson, no hard feelings? To anyone who hasn't yet met me, I hope I haven't scared you off yet. I'm not like this so much in person. At least I hope not.

None for me thanks, I'm driving. Didn't I say that? Didn't I say that I was all done?! How long did that last? Not even a month. Just goes to show how weak I am. Well, that's the last time...for a bit.

Here's my theory. For any of you who don't know, I've mentioned it before and now I'm making it clear to anyone who cares. I think this is step one in the healing process or whatever. It's therapeutic for me. I am on antidepressants. Paxil to be exact. Look it up. It's in the same family as Zoloft and Prozac. Anyway, I'm on 40 mg a day, which is a pretty hefty dose. I'm fucked up. I won't deny it. My life hasn't been that bad and I will never say that it has. Everyone has their shit to deal with and I've had mine. It's no worse than anyone else and I'm not looking for sympathy. I just didn't deal with it maybe as well as I could have so I looked to prescription drugs for help getting me back on my feet. It's better than other alternative routes which I could have explored. Anyway, I'm on Paxil.

I think that's why I get so extra messed up when I get high. The first time was good, I was relaxed and happy. It was also before I had my dosage uped. Since then I have hung out with MacGuyver 3 times and made a fool out of myself, felt so messed up in the head, been out of control. It wasn't a good feeling. I think that the change is not completely psychological like Wilson suggested. I think that it is a bit chemmical which makes it psychologoical. The paxil messes with the seratonin and the THC or whatever messes with something else. I don't know, all I know is that it is no good.

I do want to say that I was doing good yesterday for the most part. Then I hit a point and I just need to be in bed. The problem was that I was in Pappy's room with Pappy and Wilson. Preacherman came in too at some point. Anyhow, I didn't want to get up. I needed to go to bed and I was so comfy where I was. I had to get up though, Pappy was also getting tired and wanted to sleep in his own bed. This is where the problem was I think, I was off in my own little world getting people in real life confused with things going on in my head, memories, imaginations, dream like sequences. I was dazed and all I knew was someone (Wilson) was trying to make me do something I didn't want to (get out of bed). I reacted badly. For that I want to apologize. To Wilson especially, but also to Pappy and Preacherman.

I think my brain was making connections that I didn't want to make and that I certainly wouldn't have made if I had the choice. It was bad connections and I felt out of control of myself and it was a little unnerving. Anyway, I think that because of my medicine and why I am on it (a story for another time maybe) and how I haven't completely dealt with all my shit, but I've merely pushed it aside opting for pills that that is why I get confused and flip out sometimes.

The solution? Either we hang out in my room where I can go to bed as soon as I need to. This is improbable since Pappy NEVER wants to be anywhere but his room. OR the other option is to just stop until at least I am off my Paxil. I think this is probably the best choice. I don't know that I'm ready to get off my Paxil. I'm a different person and I sometimes make hasty choices when I'm not taking my happy pills. I guess it's just not for me. It probably is all psychological shit, but I don't know what to do to let myself just enjoy it. Basically, what I'm trying to say is it's just not worth it to me. So like I said before, no more for me thanks. I'm really all done this time. I mean it. Start couting the days. It's March 31 today.

So thank for listening so far. I also want to say sorry again to Pappy and Wilson for anything I said or did. I hate getting up in the morning, feeling like the biggest asshole to walk the face of the earth, and needing to apologize to all my friends. I've got to knock this shit off. Anyhow, I'm sorry for making such an ass out of myself. Please forgive me.

Wilson, I'm sorry for bickering with you last night. I swear I'm schizophrenic. I could see myself being bitchy and I didn't want to, but I didn't know how to stop myself. It was very strange, like being in a dream but knowing it is for real. Which is not like my usual problem of being in a dream and thinkings it's real when it really isn't, or is it? Anyhow, I'm so sorry for bickering with you. You did a fantastic job of taking care of me and I love you so much. You are everything that I have ever dreamed of, that I have ever wanted. Being with you had made me happier than I have ever been in my life and there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for you. I love you.

Preacherman, I was quite out of things by the time that you got home. I got the feeling you were mad. I didn't catch why though. If it was because of me, I am sorry. I promise I'll be on better behavior next time and you don't have to worry about me acting like such an ass again. If it was your date that didn't go as well as you had hoped, I'm sorry darling.

For everyone, please forgive me and give me a second chance? I hate myself so much right now and I just need to know that you don't hate me as much as I hate myelf. Yeah I have problems. Yeah, I'll get help...soon. I'm sorry.

So I started to write this post and then I think I opened another site in this window or something and lost what I had written. I got sidetracked by laundry or cleaning or something and I just now realized that I hadn't finished my post and what I had written is not lost in the ether somewhere. One more thing to add to my list of aggrivations. Anyway, here's what I wanted to write:

I'm aggrivated, annoyed, irritated, mad, whatever you want to call it. I don't know why though. Wait, wait, before I get into it, I want to say a great big THANK YOU to LioConvoy for responding to my last post. Things were not going right and though it was therapeutic merely to write down my thoughts and all, what I was really looking for was feedback, some sort of response from people. Lio was the only one to respond, so thank you to him. Ironic though that he was the only one and he doesn't even know me. So thanks. And thanks for the words, I know I'm not alone and all that, but idk, I still bothers me.

SO maybe it's just that there are a million and one little things that annoy me and none of them are significant enough for me to recognize them individually, but when they pile up, I just get pissed for no apparent reason. It's not PMS or anything lik that, if you're thinking that. It's not that I forgot to take my pills again, cause I took them this morning. I don't know what it is. I'm just in a bag mood and it makes me mad that I am and I don't know why and it's a vicious cycle.

Okay, so here's a question. Why am I such a distraction? There is something to be said for being able to sit in a room with the person you love each working individually, but being together all the same. That's all that I want some times. I have plenty of work to do all the time and I can sit somewhere and do my work quietly. Or I can sleep. Or I can just lay back and think. In any case, I don't know why you think that I'm such a bother. I don't know why I can't be around. I appreciate that you have work that you need to get done. I wouldn't want to stop you. I wouldn't want to interfere. I want you all to get your shit done so that we can all go out and do something else. Fuck it, if you don't want me around, just say so.

Spring break was a disappointment. All I wanted to do was go somewhere, anywhere, take a little road trip, take a vacation of some kind. I just wanted more than anything to get away from things and just take a week off. Like really take time off. But no, things didn't work out. I ended up going home and working for part of the week. I asked for Friday off so I could go spend time with Wilson and I called in sick on Wednesday. On Thursday night, I ended up driving down to Branford and spend the rest of my break there. I mean, nothing was really bad or anything, it just wasn't what I wanted at all. I didn't want to spend another break at home. I wanted to actually so something, to live, to have something to look back at and really know for sure that these will be the best years of my life or some bullshit like that. It was just a disappointment.

I think that's my problem. Or a big part of my problem. The contradiction between expecations and reality. I have a romanticized view of the way things are or can be and so everything becomes a disappointment. Life is one disappointment after another and maybe it will all only stop when I dig a razor blade deep into my skin and drag it across my flesh watching the scarlet blood come to the surface, my life slowly flowing away from me. Or maybe I need therapy and sitting on some couch talking to some stranger will suddenly give me all that I need to live the life of a shiny happy person. Or maybe one day, I'll just accept that life is almost never amounts to what you hope it will and I'll stop wishing for anything. I'll just accept the drabness and bleak reality.

There I go again being a little over dramatic. My life is not THAT bad. There are so many people that have it worse. I think though, that mental or emotional anguish is worse than physical pain.

I hate when I cry out for help and people "don't know what to say." Say something, say anything. I know you are all smart people and clearly opinionated people as well. Say what you think, ask questions, compliment me, insult me, I don't know, just say something, don't make me feel ignored. I hate thinking that I'm not worth someone's time when I would do anything for him or her. I hate feeling small and unimportant. I hate feeling unwanted. It's a shitty shitty lot in life to live that way even for a small amount of time. Brutal honesty is a rare but wonderful wonderful thing. Sometimes I wish I could just cut through all the nonsense, all the bullshit, strip things down to their core, where there is nothing but brutal honesty. When someone asks for an opinion, they open the flood gates, give them your opinion. Well, maybe that's not so advisable for everyone, but I wish people would at least do it for me. Think I'm a whiny bitch? Tell me. Think I'm needy and insecure? Tell me. Think I'm attractive and intelligent? Tell me. I wish there were no games and no bullshit.

1212 out.

Well this has turned into a running post. I started writing it on Saturday night I think. Ive been writing more and more and havent gotten the chance to actually post it all. I just keep adding and its turned into a sort of running thought thing. Read it or dont, I dont give a shit. Its more for me than for anyone else.

So I started to write (hand write) a post last night before I went to bed. Ill copy that over before I start any of todays rambling.

Happy Saint Patricks Day. Its 1:30 a.m. technically on Sunday, March 18. But its the night of Saturday, Saint Patricks Day. Another stupid holiday that just passes like any other day a disappointment though somehow since I thought it was going to be better than this. Somehow, I remember Saint Patricks Day being something different when I was little. It was a green day and it was fun I dont even remember. All I know is that day after day is just the same to me now, which is just one great disappointment. Anyhow. So, its 1:30 in the morning and Im in my bedroom writing on a pad of yellow lined paper because the computer is downstairs in my parents room. Theyre going to bed... or whatever. Whatever they are doing, lets call it going to bed even if thats not what theyre doing. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. My parents may be people too, but that doesnt mean that I want to know about any non-parent like things that they may or may not be doing. As far as Im concerned, theyre sleeping, so I have to be up here scribbling shit out long hand.

So I think tonight officially ended my childhood. I am twenty years old, so I suppose it was going to happen eventually. No, I dont think I did. I actually think I hoped that it would always be like this. They play the parenting role and I play the role of the offspring. I mean, my grandmother was always the way she should be. I never had to realize that she had faults. I dont have the words to say what Im trying to, but I hope you get the point. If you dont, I dont really care. I suppose this is more for me than for any of you anyhow. Plus, whos really reading this anyhow? Wilson? Pappy? My friend Ashley? Maybe Caniprokis? I cant think of anyone else that cares that much to read any of my babble. Cant blame you, I wouldnt read it either. This paragraph has no structure what so ever. I think it best to end it here. Let me try to continue what I was saying.

So the day started off normally enough for a day that is to supposedly be the end of childhood. I woke up at 11:30, a little aggravated that I had slept so late. I had wanted to get some things done, I was still not feeling so good, and I missed Wilson terribly. Yeah, off to a crappy start, but nothing real out of the ordinary. I took a shower and all that and went out with my dad to run errands. I got my tire fixed (daddy paid), got my oil changed (daddy paid), and went to lunch (daddys dollars again). I was going to go get my haircut on daddys dime too, but my mom called to tell us my aunt and uncle were at the house. (My moms sister and her husband lets call them Gracie and Jerry.) PS- I made it home, 120 miles averaging 80 miles an hour on the highway on my donut. Anyhow, so we went home. My mom, dad, aunt, and uncle (the adults) all decided to go to my moms sisters house, another sister. Lets call her Alice. Anyhow, they all go to Alices house. I had been invited too, but I declined due to less than perfect health conditions... and the fact that Alice smokes like a chimney. They left at about 5:30.

About two hours later they call to tell me that they are leaving, but they might stop for one at a local bar, lets call it Sergios. I asked them to get me a cheese pizza. I dont know if I wanted the cheese pizza, or if maybe I just wanted them to have to come home.

An hour later my dad shows up with my pizza, luke warm. I ask where mom, Gracie, and Jerry are and he says still down at Sergios. They all want you to come down, he says. So I go down there. Its now about 10:00 when I leave my house. I sit down at the bar with my parents for nearly three hours. Yes, thats how I spent my Saint Patricks Day sitting at a bar with my PARENTS, talking to drunken people, listening to the same old stories and jokes over and over again.

Ive realized these general truths. If theyre not general truths, lets just call them that anyway. It will make me feel better. I wont feel like Im the only one, or worse, one among a group of losers. Unless everyone is a loser and then I guess it isnt so bad. Anyhow, this is what I have learned:

1. If your parents smoked pot in the sixties, what says they dont do it still?
2. When your mom says that she hasnt smoked in two years, that means that she hasnt smoked in 2 years UNLESS she was drinking too.
3. Your dad drinks too much. You said to Pappy loudly in the middle of dinner with 2 people that youd never met before, all friends of your boyfriends from home, that he smells like your dad only to realize that you said that solely based on the scent of the beer in front of him. If that doesnt tell you that your dad drinks too much, and the nine years that your parents were on the verge of divorce doesnt tell you either, here is it for you. YOUR DAD DRINKS TOO MUCH.
4. Is that really a bad thing though?
5. Your dad drank, smoked pot, and had sex in high school, but somehow youre expected not to.
6. Your mom didnt go to college. She supposedly waited til marriage (age twenty three) to have sex. Youre going to college AND youre supposed to wait until marriage to have sex.
7. One or both of your parents may have drank, smoked, smoked pot, had sex, done whatever when they were your age, but you are supposed to learn from their mistakes, not make your own. You are not supposed to get drunk, get laid, or get high.

Thats what Ive learned tonight and I think its kind of shitty. I think lots of things are kind of shitty. I can have a little pity party for myself if I wanted. Thats about all I can do about anything. I think thats shitty.

Here are some things that I have learned before tonight, but tonight they seems to have been rehashed for me.

8. There are some people that need to have drama in their lives. They bring shit upon themselves and then whine about it, but yet continue to do it all the same. I think they would have nothing to do if they weren't going through some crisis.
9. It's so hard to completely trust someone. Whether is it a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone that you have counted on your entire life and thought would not betray you, say for example, your parents.
10. People drink too much.
11. People say and do stupid things when they are drinking. Sometimes you are lucky if you just end up puking all over yourself in the privacy of your own home. Sometimes you are 49 years old with a 12 year old son at home and end up spending Saint Patrick's Day in a jail cell because you were taken away from a bar, drunk out of your mind, because you started a fight with the owner. Sometimes you are a 19 year old college freshman who has a trusted friend give her too much alcohol and you wake up the next morning, two hospital trips later, having apparently slept with that friend, but not remembering any of it. Sometimes drinking sucks.
12. People don't learn from their mistakes. A woman who gets arrested and taken away from a bar will just go to a different bar the next weekend. A girl who gets taken advantage of while she is drunk will still drink again. So it just dawned on me that I havent taken my medicine in two days. That probably has something to do with my shitty state of mind. Forgive me, but Im going to continue rambling. Im too lazy to get off my fat ass and go take my pills, so Ill just sit here and babble about what the other me thinks about.

I hate my life and I want to die. There is nothing wrong with me life. There is no reason that I should want to die. That makes it worse. I have nothing to blame it on, so I know its just me being stupid. Im being stupid, that makes me hate myself and makes me want to die. I miss Wilson. Im on Spring Break. Im in Massachusetts and Wilson, my boy, is in Connecticut. Hes having fun with all his friends Im sure and that makes me happy, but it makes me want to die because I am not there with him. I have no patience for anything anymore and I dont know why. There are so many things I love about life, but sometimes, I just dont want to deal with anything not the things I enjoy and not the things that are a pain in the ass to everyone. My childhood was not bad. My life now is not bad, far from it. I dont know why I feel like this sometimes. That makes me mad. Not being in control makes me mad. I just want to die sometimes. Sometimes I just go to bed hoping that I never wake up. Sometimes I want it all to be over. I just want to be gone, a vague memory.

Im completely irrational sometimes. Reason and accountability, right Pappy? I have none, I know. I sit here, at my house, alone, thinking about Wilson. I miss him. Then I have these thoughts, thoughts that make me want to scream and cry and pull my hair out and lie down and die all at the same time. I picture you all being together down in Connecticut while Im all the way up here alone. Then I have these terrible thoughts about Pappy or Stone or someone bringing a new girl into the group and since she is new and interesting, you all fawn over her, Wilson especially. He thinks nothing of what he has up here because there is something new and interesting to keep his attention. Pappy and Stone and Caniprokis all encourage him to get rid of me, to go for the new girl. Wilson leaves me, calls me one day and gives me some line of bullshit that hes going through something and needs space. He then moves on to the new girl and Im left out in the cold, alone, scared. I hate those thoughts. I hate any little shadow of doubt in my mind that I wont always be with Wilson. I hate thinking about things that I hope will never happen. I hate not KNOWING that they will never happen, but HAVING TO BELIEVE that they wont just the same. I hate being insecure and feeling like this. It makes me want to die and I hate that.

I worry sometimes. Being with Wilson makes me happy. Like real happy. It makes me happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I worry that someday, somehow, that will all end. I worry that I will have gotten used to being happy. I worry that I won't be able to deal with not being happy anymore. I worry that I won't want to deal with anything. I worry that I'll go through all the same stuff that I went through with David. I worry that I'll end up scarred and looking for someone else someday. I worry a lot.

So Ashley finally got rid of Dave. I think I mentioned that before. Im not complaining. Im actually quite happy. I dont really like Dave and I dont think that hes any good for her. I dont like seeing her hurting or anything, but Im not upset that they are not together. I was talking to her and she says she misses him. I dont think she does. She misses the idea of him, the idea of that one special person that loves you and cares about you and that you can count on. He isnt as good as she thinks he is though. I was talking to her and telling her what she really needs. I dont know where I get off telling her what she needs to do, as if my life is perfect. Well, that part of it at least is. She needs someone that will not hesitate to be with her, someone that wouldnt think twice about committing to her for the rest of his life. She needs someone that will make her the center of his life, make that obvious to her, but make it appear to the rest of the world as if his life continues normally with only a small change. She needs someone that will think about her all the time. She needs to spend a few months with someone and feel like she's been with them for years and be so happy about it. She shouldnt wonder if he talks about her to his friends, she should KNOW that he does because she KNOWS he thinks about her all the time and cant help but talk about her. She needs someone who can carry on a conversation about something that she wants to talk about, something other than cars and trucks and stupid boring shit like that. She needs not just someone different, but a different KIND of someone. No townies. She needs someone that is going somewhere in their life, someone that has visions, someone that has goals. She needs someone that will be her forever and be happier and happier about it each day. She needs someone that will be to her as Wilson is to me.

***
I feel left out. Left out of everything. I guess right now I am talking about work since that is what got me thinking about this... and since thats where I am right now. So, I am on Spring Break and I came back to work for a week. Actually 4 days. Im skipping out Friday so I can go see Wilson and every one of you all in Connecticut. Anyhow, I dont know why I came back to work. I figured I had to come home since they were kicking me out of my building and all, but why not just mope around the house all day? Why not spend more time with Wilson? Why not doing anything else? Why work? I dont really need the money. I mean I could use it, but it wouldnt have broken me to not work this week. I guess its just for something to do. Well I wish I hadnt. I dont like it here right now. Maybe I need a few days to adjust or something, but by then my week will be up and I can go back to school. I guess I felt like I could leave, go to school, and then come back and pick up right where I left off. Well it isnt like that at all. I feel out of place, out of the loop. I dont know, maybe Im just being retarded, and overreacting. I do that a lot. Im always retarded. Whatever. Heres the thing though, Cathy is being trained to help Mary with real estate and they arent bothering to teach me anything new. I mean it makes sense, Im only summer help and whatever, why invest in me knowing that I wont be there for much longer. Still though, it makes me feel worthless and left out. All summer, they gave me all the new things, cause Im smart and efficient and can learn quickly. Now Im just doing the same meaningless dribble and it is annoying me. I am underpaid and I dont have motivation like I used to. Ive come a long way from the high school junior that I was when I was hired. Not only do I have more education formally, but I also have 3 years of experience with them. That is more important than anything else. Lew says he wants me back this summer, but I dont want to go. I dont know yet if Ill end up there or not, but I dont want to go back. Theyre hiring a part or full time legal secretary starting at $9 or $10 an hour. Ive been there 3 years, and though Im not a paralegal or anything, I have THREE FUCKING YEARS OF EXPERIENCE. I know just how they like their letters, how to write motions, how to do the real estate files. I fucking had an entire collections case of 60 people all to myself. I knew all the people and Lew would come ask me questions about status of each one and everything. Yet, Im only make $8.50 an hour. I hate it. Im just disposable. I dont know, I dont feel like part of the little V&R family anymore. Whatever. I need to start doing things towards what Im going to be doing for the rest of my life anyhow.

So work is what triggered that little rant about being left out. But, work isnt where it began or where it ends. Its my entire life. Maybe Im being over dramatic. Let me rephrase that, Im almost definitely being over dramatic, but I dont care. If you dont like it, fuck off, stop reading, I dont give a damn. I feel like my entire life, Ive been left out of one thing or another. It was my cousins, all of who are older than me, going into a bedroom and leaving me to sit in the fucking living room and watch TV alone like I had been all day. It was my parents going on more vacations without me, than with me, through my entire life. It was my entire family meeting at my fucking house to go to my grandmothers grave, but not asking me and my mom to come along. Its one thing or another, I always feel left out. Its me being up here at home, while you all are in Connecticut having fun and hanging out. I just wish I could always be a part of things. I never have been though, so I dont know why anything would change now.

So I liked Arcee when I met her at dinner and she stayed the weekend at UMass. I have to admit though, seems appropriate to talk about now with the whole leaving people out thing, that I was a little jealous. Im an attention piggy. I need the attention and I love going out with my boys Pappy, Preacherman, sometimes Caniprokis. I like being the only girl.

Speaking of which, I like that Wilson always pays attention to me even when we are out with out people. He pays attention to them too, but he never makes me feel left out. Even when Arcee, Caniprokis, and FlyingTim came and he hadnt seen them in a long time. He still paid attention to me and didnt make me feel out of place. That's a wonderful wonderful thing and he's a wonderful wonderful person. I love him a whole lot. The rest of you can back the fuck off cause he's mine and I'll fight to the death for him. So, Wilson, I just want to say a great big Im sorry for ever paying more attention to other people when we are out. Im sorry baby. I love you and only you. You are my one and only and I want nothing more in life than to spend time with you. Thank you for everything that you are and everything that you make me.

To the rest of you all, you should be lucky that you have such great friends as Wilson, and as each other really. I wish I had had that all through out high school. I thought I did, but somehow what you all have seems far more real. Im jealous. Sorry.

You know what, I was thinking about that whole end of childhood thing. I guess I was blowing things a little out of proportion. Things have changed in my head, but looking at everything from an outsiders perspective, you wouldnt even notice that anything has changed. My parents act like they always have and I suppose, outwardly anyhow, that I do too. Maybe my parents drink too much. Maybe they even get high. I dont care. I dont want to care anyhow. Whatever.

So why was everything so much better when I was little? Do you think that things really were better or maybe I was just a happier little person and I had no cynicism like I have now? I mean, was life the same and I just didn't know or have things really gotten more complicated? SOmetimes I wonder if it was just me that changed or if it was the whole world that changed. I mean, if there is no constant, how can I measure variability and what would it be attributed to even if it could be measured?

I wish I could shut my brain off. I lie awake at night just thinking, day dreaming, whatever, sometimes thinking about things that I want to, sometimes about things that I don't want to, sometimes about things that make no sense what so ever. I just wish I could lay back and think about air like some people that I know. I wish that I could shit off my brain at night when I wanted to and just be able to go to sleep. I wish that I didn't lay awake at night thinking about stupid shit like what I have to do tomorrow and all that. I wish I could just relax. I bet you wish that I would just shut the fuck up.

Despite the longevity of this post, I have nothing really to complain about. Nothing has ever really gone wrong with my life. I mean, we all have our little speed bumps along the way, but there has never been any great obstacles for me. (Zip it Wilson, I've gotten past it all.) Why do I hate my life so much? I need help, professional help. No dice. Im not doing it.

Open to comments, please comment... Im insecure and always wondering, obsessing really, about what other people think of me. Open invitation: please tear me apart, tell me what you think in your most honest voice. Comments welcome...

So I'm sick and it is no fun. I didn't go to any classes today which isn't too bad, but attendance is required for some of my classes which sucks and now I will lose points which sucks unless I go to Health Services. Let me just note that the last time I went to Health Services, it was because I had to pee all the time and I thought I had a urinary tract infection. They gave me shit that me made pee neon orange and told me I may or may not be pregnant, but they didn't test for it. THANK YOU. I digress, I don't want to go to Health Services but I don't want to lose points because some bitch of a Spanish professor thinks her class is so important. Required attendance makes me want to skip to just to sptie them! I digress again. I'm sick. I have a sore throat, my ears hurt, I'm all stuffed up, I'm tired and I'm very cranky. I also think I have anemia, arrhythmias, scarlet fever, mono, mumps, measles, rhubella, polio, muscular dystrophy, parkinson's disease, lou gehrig's disease, thyroid problems, gingivitis, cold sores, maybe oral herpes, HIV, the clap, crabs, a broken toe, a urinary tract infection, floating knee cap, ear infections, tumors, lots of tumors everywhere, breast cancer, brain cancer, ovarian cancer, uteran cancer, skin cancer, prostate cancer, lung cancer, asthma, bronchitis, inflamed lungs, sinus pressure, strep throat, headache, a nasty zit on my leg, dizziness, acne, bacne, and sacne, snot dripping out of one nostril and a stuffed up other nostril, and I am fat and may be pregnant. Yes, that about sums it up. If I can think of. I'm delusional and I'm tired, but I want to see Stone so I'm going to get my lazy ass in gear and go take a shower...maybe with Wilson. Maybe that will make me feel better. Want to know one thing I really hate about being sick? My nose is stuffed up so if I want to breathe I have to breathe with my mouth. So when I eat, I can either chew with my mouth open (rude) or suffocate (dangerous). I'm going out to eat with Pappy (I love you Pappy and I'm sorry that you won't be spending as much time with me, Wilson, and Preacherman), Stone (the infamous Stone), and Wilson. My apoligies now for my rude table manners. As a side note (I think all my medications have finally gotten to me) I would like to say to Caniprokis and Arcee, you all are fantastic. I hope you had a good weekend, sorry we couldn't do more. I don't think you should have bothered washing the sheets. My roommate is not in my highest esteem right now, so I really wouldn't have minded. Speaking of which, for all of you interested in the small town soap opera that I spoke of in my second post, my roommate who was engaged to a guy for over 3 years, had a 1/2 carat diamond ring and everything, broke it off with him last week. Not at that interesting you say? Well, now she is fucking his best friend who happens to be nearly thirty years old, has braces, and sleeps with his hat on. She's already had one pregnancy scare with the new dude! Oh, and the guy that she broke up with, that's who she was living with. She's now homeless. AND if you remember anything about Dave, David, Pam, Ass the whole thing from my small town, Ass finally dumped Dave. I am not upset. Well I don't like to see her hurting, but I think it was two steps in the right direction. That's all for now. 1212 Out.