None for me thanks, I'm driving. Didn't I say that? Didn't I say that I was all done?! How long did that last? Not even a month. Just goes to show how weak I am. Well, that's the last time...for a bit.
Here's my theory. For any of you who don't know, I've mentioned it before and now I'm making it clear to anyone who cares. I think this is step one in the healing process or whatever. It's therapeutic for me. I am on antidepressants. Paxil to be exact. Look it up. It's in the same family as Zoloft and Prozac. Anyway, I'm on 40 mg a day, which is a pretty hefty dose. I'm fucked up. I won't deny it. My life hasn't been that bad and I will never say that it has. Everyone has their shit to deal with and I've had mine. It's no worse than anyone else and I'm not looking for sympathy. I just didn't deal with it maybe as well as I could have so I looked to prescription drugs for help getting me back on my feet. It's better than other alternative routes which I could have explored. Anyway, I'm on Paxil.
I think that's why I get so extra messed up when I get high. The first time was good, I was relaxed and happy. It was also before I had my dosage uped. Since then I have hung out with MacGuyver 3 times and made a fool out of myself, felt so messed up in the head, been out of control. It wasn't a good feeling. I think that the change is not completely psychological like Wilson suggested. I think that it is a bit chemmical which makes it psychologoical. The paxil messes with the seratonin and the THC or whatever messes with something else. I don't know, all I know is that it is no good.
I do want to say that I was doing good yesterday for the most part. Then I hit a point and I just need to be in bed. The problem was that I was in Pappy's room with Pappy and Wilson. Preacherman came in too at some point. Anyhow, I didn't want to get up. I needed to go to bed and I was so comfy where I was. I had to get up though, Pappy was also getting tired and wanted to sleep in his own bed. This is where the problem was I think, I was off in my own little world getting people in real life confused with things going on in my head, memories, imaginations, dream like sequences. I was dazed and all I knew was someone (Wilson) was trying to make me do something I didn't want to (get out of bed). I reacted badly. For that I want to apologize. To Wilson especially, but also to Pappy and Preacherman.
I think my brain was making connections that I didn't want to make and that I certainly wouldn't have made if I had the choice. It was bad connections and I felt out of control of myself and it was a little unnerving. Anyway, I think that because of my medicine and why I am on it (a story for another time maybe) and how I haven't completely dealt with all my shit, but I've merely pushed it aside opting for pills that that is why I get confused and flip out sometimes.
The solution? Either we hang out in my room where I can go to bed as soon as I need to. This is improbable since Pappy NEVER wants to be anywhere but his room. OR the other option is to just stop until at least I am off my Paxil. I think this is probably the best choice. I don't know that I'm ready to get off my Paxil. I'm a different person and I sometimes make hasty choices when I'm not taking my happy pills. I guess it's just not for me. It probably is all psychological shit, but I don't know what to do to let myself just enjoy it. Basically, what I'm trying to say is it's just not worth it to me. So like I said before, no more for me thanks. I'm really all done this time. I mean it. Start couting the days. It's March 31 today.
So thank for listening so far. I also want to say sorry again to Pappy and Wilson for anything I said or did. I hate getting up in the morning, feeling like the biggest asshole to walk the face of the earth, and needing to apologize to all my friends. I've got to knock this shit off. Anyhow, I'm sorry for making such an ass out of myself. Please forgive me.
Wilson, I'm sorry for bickering with you last night. I swear I'm schizophrenic. I could see myself being bitchy and I didn't want to, but I didn't know how to stop myself. It was very strange, like being in a dream but knowing it is for real. Which is not like my usual problem of being in a dream and thinkings it's real when it really isn't, or is it? Anyhow, I'm so sorry for bickering with you. You did a fantastic job of taking care of me and I love you so much. You are everything that I have ever dreamed of, that I have ever wanted. Being with you had made me happier than I have ever been in my life and there isn't anything that I wouldn't do for you. I love you.
Preacherman, I was quite out of things by the time that you got home. I got the feeling you were mad. I didn't catch why though. If it was because of me, I am sorry. I promise I'll be on better behavior next time and you don't have to worry about me acting like such an ass again. If it was your date that didn't go as well as you had hoped, I'm sorry darling.
For everyone, please forgive me and give me a second chance? I hate myself so much right now and I just need to know that you don't hate me as much as I hate myelf. Yeah I have problems. Yeah, I'll get help...soon. I'm sorry.