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This is a read-only collection of all the posts we could scrape from Archive.org. Pappy deleted the database at some point, and then after he died in 2018 we couldn't retrieve his credentials to obtain the original code. (We also couldn't get into his registrar account to fix the domain registration, so we lost it for a while there.)

Most of these posts have broken links/images, so it isn't recommended to do more than read. We should have made the design mobile-friendly-ish but there are probably kinks. Feel free to let us know about any big issues. Especially any accessibility issues. For example, Pappy was colorblind, so we think he chose good contrast colors, but we can't be sure, and some users applied their own formatting at times.

The search field is at the bottom of the page. It is not smart in any way, it will just check the post titles and copy and spit out matching results without a "relevance" weighting. It also only searches all posts. Maybe we'll add a way to search by user in the future.

Special callout to FlyingTim, who also passed away, at the end of 2021.

Why You Should Pay Attention to Madison Cawthorn's Fate

So the liberal grifters and their sycophantic followers are crowing about Madison Cawthorn's loss in the primary. As well they should, since he'll be gone... but it's not like his replacement will be better. And a Democrat still has to beat that replacement somehow. At least this bag of dicks acknowledges that in his tweet:

Now, let me make myself clear: Cawthorn is a piece of crap. But, as the saying goes, broken clocks or something.

Cawthorn didn't lose because of any demerits with regard to his representation. The GOP took him down because, despite the absurdity of his sex party story, that shit was true and they did not like him exposing it.

Much like how the Qanon people are not 100% wrong — there's a child sex trafficking thing going on, and there are Democrats involved, but the leaders with the most terabytes and whatnot are prominent Republicans — Cawthorn got a little too close to the truth when he ratted out his fellows and it didn't fit the narrative.

Say what you want about the guy, just like I did above, but that took some guts on his part. He had to have known they'd tank him.

Madison Cawthorn in an access hallway, looking perturbedAnyway: Why is this important? And why should you pay attention to it?

If you're a liberal, it should signal to you that some of these Republican shitbirds can be made to turn against their own without voluntarily leaving Congress ala Jeff Flake or Justin Amash (and he even went IND beforehand to be extra sure). That has to be something that can be utilized beyond inviting someone to a cocaine party.

If you're a conservative, you should take a long, hard look at what happened here before you dismiss Cawthorn as being a RINO or not having been fully committed to the cause. He did everything right up until he didn't. Snitches get stitches, but he pushed the door ever-so-slightly ajar on the bullshit Republicans are up to behind the scenes as they claim to represent the values of their voters.

Fresh since 21 you suckers. (Post #21, that is.)

Stop Being Manipulated

A desperate plea for people to stop enabling lousy news.

Hey there, kids. How are you doing? I've got a long one for ya but I promise it's worth the read.

I've been trying to stay on an even keel here since the Presidential election. While I've always been a fairly liberal person, I haven't been a registered Democrat since the 2004 Presidential election because I recognized that the Democratic party was a corrupt mess. Similarly, I've known for even longer that the Republican party doesn't have the best interests of the United States in mind. In other words, I'm pretty jaded, politically. I have hopes and dreams about a utopian society but I'm a realist and recognize those are silly.

Now despite the man's obvious lunacy, his associations with awful people, and the terrible things he said (and the shitty way he said them), I opted to hunker down and let Donald J. Trump get his Presidency on. In my mind, most of his campaign promises - while vile and moronic - were inattainable fluff. (LOL)

In an attempt to inform myself, I made a post-election quest to talk to people who voted and figure out what made them tick. Now, I had come across Michael Moore's speech about the Ford plant and the molotov cocktail and had dismissed it as irrelevant at some point, but with hindsight deigned to view it again. In combination with the insightful series that Van Jones made (The Messy Truth) I felt genuinely awful about the circumstances that lead people to voting Trump.

The unrestrained liberal left was so smug, haughty, and stuck in their echo chamber that a good majority of his supporters desperately needed to tell them to fuck off. So I sought to let the man do his work. Obviously, Trump has come at the job like a whirlwind already, but that isn't a topic I'm going to be discussing.

You see, there's a different thing that's got my panties in a bunch: Both sides are in their echo chambers and it's only gotten worse. The divide is being strengthened via partisan news sources, something many of you know will know I've been railing against for years now.

What am I talking about? Facebook pages that share stupid memes and news stories bearing emotionally manipulative headlines - and the lousy web sites that peddle those things. You know what I'm talking about:

destroyed

Oh really, destroyed, you say? I guess we'll need to get some new Republicans.

disgusting

I'll bet whatever this article contains, it's either misleading or an extreme stretch.

sharia

I'm not even going to point out the stupidity of this meme.

sessions

Real mature, guys. Why bother writing this?

The news feed of your average liberal or conservative right now is a mix of completely worthless junk like that. My problem here is that these kinds of pages/web sites don't offer anything constructive. All they do is give the average idiot who thinks they are politically active the simulation of sticking it to someone they disagree with. It's emotional manipulation, it's bald-faced, and it's utterly confusing to me that people let themselves be swindled by it.

Being the computer nerd I am, I did some digging on six liberal sites, six liberal Facebook pages, six conservative sites, and six conservative Facebook pages: A single person holds the domain name registration of every single site I came across. With what little information is available through Facebook, I noticed that the email addresses attached to the accounts of each page's primary admins, while different, followed similar patterns - consistent with generated names, like the ones you see in those spam emails about your missed FedEx delivery.

In most cases, these articles that people see and click "share" or "like" on are stolen/repurposed from other websites and given inflammatory headlines to induce clicking. Several sites, once the page is loaded, access the Facebook information of the visitors - something that goes against Facebook's explicitly stated rules. Most do not pay too much attention to how their site looks, as it's just a vehicle to serve ads and misleading information. All twelve sites serve their images, JavaScripts, and other assets from the same, single CloudFlare account. Almost all of them had malicious scripts that simulated you having clicked an ad that generates money for them, and they probably sell the information they harvested about you for further gain.

That's right: They're playing both sides for profit.

So not only are you helping to propagate the basis for the "fake news" complaints across the web, you're also giving personally identifiable information to untrustworthy sources. Perhaps it's time for you to both wise up on attempts to manipulate your emotions and to broaden your horizons, kids.

† CloudFlare is a web-hosting company. Each user can generate multiple "properties" but each of those properties are tied back to the account. So there may be a unique ID associated with Liberal Site A and Conservative Site A, but both of those IDs are subdivisions of one account.

Interview With Gary Johnson

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.

Gary Johnson

Editor's Note: It took several attempts but we here at Insult.org finally got him to agree to a phone interview that provides some insight into how he thinks. Our author, SpoDudeZ0r, got to talk with Mr. Johnson for a short time and really dug in on some important issues.

SpoDudeZ0r: Mr. Johnson, thank you so much for finally agreeing to an interview with us. We know a small site like ours seems dubious.

Johnson: Thank you for having me. I was doubtful at first but then I saw you got to hear from the real Hillary and truthful-ish Trump.

S: Just like with them, feel free to be completely honest today.

J: We'll see how I feel.

S: Let's first go over the big piece of ammo that is being used against you these days: Aleppo. What plans do you have?

J: Well, if you are up on the news you'll see that we are finally calling Russia out for their lack of commitment there. I would definitely take a hard line like that with Bashar al-Assad because he's partly responsible.

S: Sounds like you've really taken some time to investigate that situation.

J: I had to after the monumental screw up I made.

S: Now, you do get press for your constant attacks on Donald Trump. You've even called him a "pussy" on multiple occasions. Some might say you are soft on Hillary Clinton in comparison. What is your response to that?

J: I'll refer to my Twitter feed during the first debate for that. I think I hit her pretty hard, as well. While I'll go after Clinton with facts and figures, I have to appeal to the large child that is Trump with base insults. I've got more dirt on both of them, though.

S: Such as?

J: Hillary Clinton pours the milk into the bowl before her cereal. If she's eating a steak, she'll cut the whole thing up before she even takes a bite. Plus, she orders them well done. She hangs the toilet paper underhand. For some reason, she thinks, "What a Man," is a better song than, "Shoop." Donald Trump is stupid and ugly. He smells like if AXE Body Spray mated with one of those durian fruits. His wife and children are imbeciles, as well, who never completed their primary education.

S: I didn't know any of that. What about your other trip-up, with naming a foreign leader you admire?

J: As a Libertarian, I'm really not supposed to admire any foreign leaders, so I had trouble trying to find a way to say that.

S: Then you finally settled on Vicente Fox.

J: I figured he's a pretty likable guy, for the most part. He's got a cool name, a great smile, and a killer mustache.

S: If only you had come up with his name...

J: If we're being honest? I was super high during that town hall forum.

S: That provides some useful insight. We are almost out of time, so let me ask: Any final comments?

J: This November, don't vote for the lesser of two evils. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are similar evils. You can vote for a real, viable candidate like me. A candidate who makes mistakes like you do, but takes responsibility for them - unlike opponents. I've never run anything off of a private email server. I didn't run my companies into the ground and use that to avoid paying taxes. After two terms as New Mexico's governor, I left with a surplus and a great economy. Vote for me and let's have our best America yet!

S: Wonderful! Thanks for your time, Mr. Johnson.

J: Thanks for yours, too!

Interview With Hillary Clinton

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate.

Hillary Clinton

Editor's Note: Though she is busy on the campaign trail, we here at Insult.org managed to snag an interview with her that was a little bizarre but also somewhat expected. Our author, Lio Convoy, spoke with Mrs. Clinton over a video chat session and got to get out some pressing, atypical questions.

Lio Convoy: Secretary Clinton, thanks for agreeing to chat with me. It's a crazy election so I get that it's tough to do interviews, especially with a small place like us.

Clinton: Don't mention it. I was informed that your web site is largely ignored by the rest of the web.

L: That is true. We spoke with Donald Trump and encouraged him to be open and honest as a result of that. It garnered some interesting responses. Hopefully, you'll be willing to let loose as well.

C: I will do that. unzips outer layer of skin to reveal a lizard

L: Whoa, you're actually a lizard?!?

C: All of the people in charge of America are except, oddly, the Koch brothers and Mitch [McConnell].

L: Even Bernie Sanders?

C: He's not in charge of America.

L: Okay... well I had a bunch of questions but this is huge.

C: You can still ask them.

L: Uh, well, are you planning to prep as heavily for the second debate with Donald Trump?

C: It depends on his availability. We practice together. I know there were articles talking about my debate preparation but the news outlets report what we tell them to report.

L: So you're saying that you two are in league together?

C: Isn't that blatantly obvious?

L: Some people would argue that no, it isn't.

C: And those are the people who will be electing me as President in a little over a month.

L: And, as President, how do you plan to deal with some of our foreign aggressors like ISIS and Russia?

C: ISIS is a legitimate problem, since they are operating off of the grid. You're a problem when even al-Qaeda doesn't like you. As for Russia, all of [Vladimir] Putin's posturing is for show. Since he's a lizard, as well, he'll be fine after the election.

L: I don't know whether to be afraid about all of this or relieved that none of it was really in my hands.

C: There's no need to be afraid. The collective needs you humans to run everything, make products, farm, and reproduce to continue the cycle. We listen to you, even if it doesn't seem like things change. We know that over 75 percent of Americans want more money and to have burdensome loans forgiven. We know that Wells Fargo executives should be punished. We just can't enact the change too fast. Barry's [President Barack Obama] main problem was that he really went gung-ho and defied the rules. Too much change and too quickly. That's why Donald has been so successful - if the progression were slower we could have weeded out the malcontents.

L: And, by malcontents, you mean the basket of deplorables?

C: Exactly. Donald is very frank so he calls them scumbags, but I think we can rehabilitate them. We shouldn't be so quick to jettison them from our society or ignore their opinions.

L: We are close to the end of our time but I have to ask about the email server.

C: No problem. As it was explained to me, it's incredibly tough to set up an email server so when my people got it running they didn't care that it wasn't as secure as it could be.

L: Right, but what about the deleted emails and classified information?

C: If you had a personal email address and got sensitive data, wouldn't you simply delete it? Of course you would. In hindsight, for my situation, was that the best thing to do? Obviously not. But I didn't know that at the time. You don't know you're insecure until you get hacked.

L: That makes sense, in a strange way. Before we close, do you have any final words?

C: Yes. When I win, I will stick to the plan laid out by the collective. Higher minimum wage, student loan debts forgiven, sensible reform for laws surrounding firearms, immigration, and taxes. We will eliminate ISIS and not create another, more frightening cell of terrorism in its wake. We will continue to spray citizens with chemicals delivered by planes and jets. We will also try to hire some police officers who weren't the jocks you hated in high school, in an attempt to reduce some of these tragic shootings. Be with me this November. We are stronger together!

L: Thank you for your time, Secretary Clinton.

C: And you for yours. Take care!

Interview With Donald Trump

An Insult.org exclusive interview with the U.S. Presidential Candidate, unedited.

Donald Trump

Editor's Note: As he tours the country, drumming up all of the support that he can, we here at Insult.org managed to snag a phone interview with him that was both enlightening and a little scary at times. Our author, Calliander, spoke with Mr. Trump for a short bit of time and asked some questions he thought were different from the usual ones.

Note on 11/22/2016: We are pleased to finally be able to release the rest of this interview! A good amount of it had to be trimmed out for reasons we can't mention, but now can be added back in.

Calliander: Mr. Trump, thank you very much for your time. I know you are quite busy and we are a fairly small outfit.

Trump: Yeah, I can see that. I just pulled your site up on my iPhone and you've got three obvious joke articles on there, no advertising at all. You guys catch anything for the one about pit bulls after Montreal?

C: No. We haven't put any effort into getting out there yet. Since we have a limited amount of time let me start by saying that you can feel free to be completely honest. In all likelihood, nobody's going to believe I even spoke to you.

T: Fire away, kid.

C: A lot of news outlets like to focus on things like your temperament and vilifying your supporters, along with claiming that your rhetoric is dangerous and harmful. Only a few have put forward that perhaps you're kidding - or, as the internet puts it - trolling. What do you think about that?

T: You said nobody would even believe you spoke with me, right? Well, it's kind of true.

C: Can you elaborate on that? Are you saying that you are kidding?

T: Does it seem likely to you that someone could seriously be unaware of how contradictory they are? Do you think it's a good idea to build a wall or deport Muslims?

C: Well no, but a huge chunk of your supporters do.

T: Yeah, because they're scumbags. They're scumbags who don't want to be a part of where America is heading. And they're easy to manipulate. So I took advantage of that.

C: Wow, I wasn't expecting to be right. How do you plan to temper their expectations if you get into office, when the reality of balance sets in?

T: I don't. I'm going to ignore them.

C: What about the other groups? The gun owners, religious groups, and so forth? You were just at a convention with a large group of conservative Christians, right?

T: Yeah, I've fooled them as well and I'll ignore them, too. Anyone with half a brain knows I'm an atheist.

C: That's all well and good but you have to know that you're causing a lot of fear on the left and energizing a lot of hatred on the right.

T: That may be the case but the left will bounce back. I won't want to alarm the radicals on the right, but if they act on that hatred I'll take care of them. The important thing right now is getting those jobs back for the middle class. I don't know if I'll be able to but I'll try.

C: That seems like you're playing the middle class.

T: If you want to look at it that way, that's fine.

C: Are you playing Hillary Clinton then, too?

T: No, she's a good friend. We've already spoken about what's going to happen if one or the other of us wins. It will be very cordial.

C: So you're saying that, as President, you'll work with Hillary Clinton?

T: I'll probably make her Secretary of State again. laughs

C: That would anger a lot of your base.

T: Do I sound like I care about that?

C: It doesn't seem like it.

T: In all likelihood I'll probably give some jobs to the people most critical of me, like Chris Christie.

C: That would be a surprising turn of events. Some might call that flip-flopping.

T: Again: Do I sound like I care about that?

C: I guess not. A Donald Trump Presidency, then, would not include building a wall or any of the other inflammatory stuff?

T: Of course not. Even if I meant those things, they'd be impossible to get past the idiots in Congress. You've got to read between my lines and see that what I have is a really great tax plan, a path to single-payer healthcare just like my fellow Republicans wanted during Bill Clinton's years, and an assault weapons ban.

C: Isn't an assault weapons ban impossible to implement? And isn't "assault weapons" a sort of vacuous term?

T: I didn't make that term up. But I'll make the ban happen.

C: Sorry, I can't resist - what about President Obama?

T: He's a good guy. But I'm not sorry about dragging him through the mud in order to gain the confidence of my voters.

C: You mean the birther movement, which you recently disavowed.

T: laughs Yeah, wasn't that genius?

C: On a professional level, yes. Ah, I think we are close to the end of our time. Do you have anything else to add, Mr. Trump?

T: Yes. When I win, I am going to take immense joy in proving all of my haters wrong. I'm going to run a strong White House and will not cause any wars. I'll surround myself with people who know the things I don't know, and they'll be the best. This November, make sure you vote for me and help to make America great again.

C: Thank you for your time, Mr. Trump.

T: It was a pleasure!

Insult is Back

That's right, you unintelligent clumps of meat: We are back.

We are back and we are stronger than before. Okay, maybe not really stronger than before but the key point remains that we are back.

Beards

We hate to announce this, since we know many people with them (including some of us), but these “epic” beards are no longer acceptable. (Let’s not forget that “epic” is unacceptable on its own.)

One of the two main reasons is that the majority of these guys don’t take care of their great-big-bushy-beards or, if they do, they do so horribly. However, the more important reason is this puerile, “real men have beards!” assertion.

Guess what: Real men do whatever the fuck they want with their facial hair and don’t brag about it.

Epic Beards: Unacceptable.

You brought it on yourselves, douchebags!

A Simple Explanation of Why the Supreme Court is Wrong

I am utterly ashamed with America right now. On Monday, June 30th, 2014 the United States Supreme Court ruled on the Burwell versus Hobby Lobby case. The result was a 5-4 in favor of Hobby Lobby et al. The general gist of the situation is kind of like this.

  • The Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) mandates that employers provide health coverage for their employees.
  • Part of that coverage includes contraceptives which more conservative business owners consider similar enough to abortion as to cross a line dictated by their religions.
  • In ruling for Hobby Lobby et al, the Supreme Court has allowed these corporations to opt out of having to pay for contraceptives.

The ruling was made with reference to the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which was signed into law by Bill Clinton back in the early 1990’s. That act prevents the government from interfering in the exercise of religion.

Monday’s decision was seen as a victory by not only the corporations with at least 50% of the controlling interest being held by one family with clear religious beliefs, but also by folks who don’t like Obamacare.

Both of those sets of people are assholes.

I don’t care about the Affordable Care Act. I don’t care about free exercise of religious beliefs. I care about women having access to birth control and other things which are entirely within their scope of what’s known to some people as “their own decision.”

Some people have made the argument that if you can’t afford birth control you shouldn’t have sex. Those people are even bigger assholes than the previous two groups. At least for people concerned with religious beliefs and people concerned with sticking it to the Commander in Chief, being a part of either group isn’t inclusive of being a dick. If you can honestly say something as cold as, “If she can’t afford it then maybe she shouldn’t spread her legs,” then guess what? You are an exemplary example of a ruthless jerk!

Anyway, while I do support all of the stuff that women are concerned about there’s a much simpler reason for my ignominy and it stems from an even more base thing that Americans seem to have a problem comprehending: logic.

These same corporations, during their hiring process, cannot discriminate against potential employees who don’t share their religious values. THEREFORE, the very same law that prevents such treatment also prevents the corporation from forcing those values upon said employees since that would be the exact same discrimination.

That’s the end of the fucking discussion. That trumps the exercise of religious freedom – which, by the way, is a thoroughly disingenuous rallying cry for anything that anyone does in its name. Want to have a discussion about abortion? That’s fine, it’s a perfectly acceptable topic. But don’t operate a for-profit business in the United States if the issue means that much to you because you’re hiring from a diverse crowd who, guaranteed, will not share your views.

There’s talk of liberal idiots saying to burn down Hobby Lobby stores and whatnot, as well. If you’re a person of sound mind and you see talk of such things, please take appropriate action and report it. This is a tremendously important issue but it certainly doesn’t warrant violence or vandalism.

Boobies Everywhere

Hey jerks, before I get into things, let me just make it known that I’m aware my choice of title for this rant is kind of counterproductive. It also grabs attention.

Okay: my special lady showed me this article that a friend of hers posted on Facebook the other day. If you don’t want to read it, it’s an article about public breastfeeding. It contained this sentence:

Anytime the issue of public breastfeeding is discussed, there is always a man who makes the statement that if a woman is allowed to “whip out her breast” in public, he should be allowed to do the same thing with his dick.

It then showed some screenshots of dudes saying pretty much that, and listed some pretty good reasons why penises do not equal breasts. I commend the article for taking on such a ridiculous comparison and they did a fine job explaining why that conflation is absurd. Despite my desire to do so, I could not do a better job. I did, however, wish to have a go at the opposition to public breastfeeding in general, since I have a particularly useful point of view on it.

This is quite clever. I approve.
This is quite clever. I approve.

Aside from my idiotic brethren who spout fallacious arguments like the one I quoted above, there are still innumerable people who are a little less malicious in their wording but nonetheless walking around with asinine views on the matter. One of the most common “less aggressive” things that people tend to say is, “Why don’t women just cover up?” They are referring to nursing shawls, pieces of fabric mothers drape over themselves and the baby which allow breastfeeding to occur in a more covert manner. There are many women who prefer to do so and that is perfectly fine but nursing shawls, and the request – sometimes, the demand – to cover up centers around what I consider to be an even bigger fallacy than the penis::breast claptrap.

What you’ll hear in almost all instances – be it a woman at a restaurant breastfeeding, a woman on the subway, a woman on a park bench – is that the breastfeeding is either offending someone or making them uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, miss, but your nursing is causing these other people discomfort.” I’ve got two pretty simple words for the people who see a woman nursing and think it’s gross or uncomfortable:

Grow up.

You see, I used to feel the same way as recently as five years ago. I hated kids, I hated parents, I hated everything having to do with children. As an extension of those things I so loathed, breastfeeding was just another unacceptable injustice I had to endure from “breeders.” Aside from that, I was also of the opinion that it was gross. If I saw it, my internal monologue said, “Yuck, that is disgusting.”

Well guess what happened? That’s right, per my advice above, I stopped acting like a stupid child and put on my grown up pants. I’ll have you know that some things haven’t changed: I still don’t think babies are cute, I’m still annoyed when my friends with kids post pictures of those kids constantly on Facebook, and I still get annoyed by screaming children when I’m in public. The big difference is that now I just deal with it. I stopped sexualizing everything around me and moved on, like an adult.

That’s another part of the problem that society seems to have. There’s nothing actually gross or offensive about a baby nursing. If I, a person who does not find babies to be cute, sees no problem with the act then that should probably be a pretty big sign. However, large swaths of people view breasts sexually and that is the only context they can see them in. From that point of view, I guess I can see how they would then jump to such a non-sexual activity being kind of off-putting. You guessed it, though: that’s immature.

So mothers, nurse your babies in public. Here’s a nice list of the laws and such surrounding the matter.

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