Well I wrote a post last night about how much this school sucks and how the cock sucking mother fuckers at the bottom of the building wouldn't shut the hell up until like 4 in the goddamn morning. As it turns out, I hadn't taken my pills in a few days which explains the hostility. So sorry.

I just want to write a little post, like a little statement of correction or something. Whatever, I just want to say that this extended weekend hasn't really been so bad after all.

Let's step back and reasses things. We've had two scheduled days of classes canceled because of the snow. That's a plus. That means more free time to get shit done or do nothing at all. I have slept I don't even know how many hours, but it's a lot. My dad called me tonight at 6 pm and WOKE ME UP! We ordered food and that's good cause it wasn't from the DC. In the past few days I have eaten 3 extra large pizzas, 3 orders of cinnimon breadsticks, 3 bottles of coke, a quart of grape koolaid, and I don't even know what else. Here's the best part though, I've spent this whole weekend with Wilson and in the past 5 days, we've had sex 23 times. Food, sex, sleeping, no cares, no regrets, it doesn't get much better than that!

1212 I'm out.

I fucking hate people. It's 2 o'clock in the fucking morning and though I'm not trying to sleep, it would be perfectly reasonable if I was. Can I sleep though? No, of course not. There are over 100 cock sucking mother fuckers at the bottom of my goddamn building (bottom of my building - that's 14 fucking floors down in a building that has THREE elevators that are ALL broken). They are all fucking shouting and screaming and playing in the snow like children. Hey, I'm all up for a little break from classes to perserve one's sanity, but know what helps perserve my sanity? A little peace and fucking quiet when I'm trying to work at 2 in the morning. I don't think I'm being entirely unreasonable asking for a little goddamn quiet. We all know we're not having school tomorrow. Can't the fucking snow ball fights and mother fucking fireworks (fireworks for christ sake) wait until the day time, or even a REASONABLE hour of the night, like maybe 11 or midnight when people are still up, not possibly trying to sleep or do work?

Yeah, so I'm being a whiny little crybaby. I don't give a fuck. I just want some piece and fucking quiet. So I get Wilson to call the police, make a little complaint. I know it won't do anything really useful, but it will make me feel better. Anyway know what happens? The phone just fucking rings and rings. What? A little fucking snow in goddamn New England and the fucking POLICE STATION closes?! Hello, what happens if there's a real emergency? Too fucking bad, I guess. Piss off people, we want to be at home? Real nice.

So anyway, I'm trying to get some shit done, cause I have so much of it...never ending, no matter how much work I do, I always have more waiting for me. Never have enough time to do my work and though I spend every waking moment either in classes, doing work, spending time with Wilson, or some combination of the above, I never have enough time to spend "quality" time with Wilson and give him my undivided attention. It's so fucking aggrivating to feel like you're being pulled in a million different directions, having only one catharsis (who just ends up creating more problems) so having no real catharsis, and to not be able to put some things in the background a little to deal with other shit first. I'm not blaming anyone but myself cause I'm a crazy bitch, all I'm saying is that I'm going out of my fucking skull and Spring break can't come fast enough.

Speaking of which, yes, Pappy, I would like to go somewhere. I need to get the hell away from campus for a little bit. While I can go home, I know that if I do, I'm going to end up going back to my job for a week and though I like my job and all, working isn't really the type of break that I was looking for. It would be money (which I have none of) so that would be nice, but I just need a goddamn vacation. I would like to go somewhere with Wilson to give him some undivided attention and spend quality time, and I would also like it if you came too. Pappy, you're such a great guy and I like spending time with you and Wilson and Caniprokis and everyone. HOWEVER, I don't want to take you away from what you need to do or what you want to do or what would be better for you in the long run. Please go see you doctor and make things better for yourself. If there is anything I can do to help, you know I'm always here. Even if it means helping you jerk off. I'm sure Wilson would understand. ;-)

Thanks for listening, and PS- Pappy, I did read the whole post, like I always do.

Firstly, Happy Birthday for the millionth time to Pappy. I love you hunny.

Secondly, thank you to Spo for reading and responding and for the actual words that were written. I'm touched that Wilson's friends have opened up and accepted me, even if for no reason more than because Wilson loves me. Thanks. You have no idea how much that means to me and how much it does for a girl with little or no self confidence. Thanks especially to Pappy, Preacherman, and Caniprokis. I never knew there were friends out there as great as you guys all are. I began to think that I was holding my friends to standards that were just too high by expecting my best friend to decline a sexual relationship with my boyfriend and possible future husband. As it turns out however, I wasn't holding them to standards that were high enough. As a side note, I'm glad that I got rid of that boyfriend and that friend. I'm a better person now by having enough respect for myself to not deal with that.

Wait, am I making sense to anyone but myself? What I'm trying to say is thanks Spo for taking the time to read what I wrote and respond to it even though you don't really know me. It means a lot to me that you guys, all of you, are such good friends to each other and that maybe I can be a part of that.

Thirdly, Wilson, I love you so much. The tears were for happiness, not for anything else. I love you so much that it hurts. It's such a cop out, I know, but I can't think of the words to tell you how much that you mean to me and how much I love you. I'd walk to the ends of the world and back twice over for you. You're my one and only, baby, one and only. I've never known love like this before and it's incredible what I was missing. To think that some people go their whole lives without ever finding this...how tragic.

While many of you don't know me and probably don't care what I have to say, Pappy gave me the ability to post, so I'm going to. So now for my actual rant that has something to do with the title of this. Wilson has taught me so much about life and love and things that I was far too immature to know before I got to UMass and met him. He embodies the type of person that I want to be. He's real, he's honest, and he does things for me that no one else has ever done. He is loyal, I think that's the thing that amazes me the most. I think that's the thing that I had no capacity to understand before I met him.

Yes, I'm from a small town, population around 11,000. That's less that the school I go to now with a population of like 25,000 or something towards that effect. With only 11,000 people and not much to do, there is a lot of dating and sex and we run out of people so quickly that we have to double up and date families and cheat on everyone with everyone else. There is no sanctity for anything. While I was with my ex boyfriend David, I also fucked around with my friend John, his best friend Dan who is also David's cousin, David's friend Corey, my ex boyfriend Athan, and a few people here at school. While David was with me, he fucked around with his ex girlfriend Mary (the one that he cheated on with me and dumped for me), my former friend Pam (who was fucking David's best friend Dave who is now dating my best friend Ashley), Morgan (an anorexic and bulemic 4 time college drop out who can't hack beauty school), and Sarah (another one of David's ex girlfriends). That's only the ones that I know about anyhow. Like I was saying, there is no sanctity for relationships of any kind whether they be dating or friendships. I was with David for nearly 3 years and that's the way things were. It was all about cheating and pain and betrayal and I thought that's how things always ended up. To come here though and meet Wilson has changed my life. He's opened my eyes to the immense joy that FAITHFUL love can bring to you. I think I said it before, but I really mean it. To have someone that you can trust and that knows you'll be faithful is AMAZING.

"Please don't lie to me unless you're absolutely sure that I'll never find out." No, I would never lie to Wilson regardless of whether he would find out or not. Furthermore, even if there was some way that I knew he would NEVER find out, I still wouldn't lie NO MATTER WHAT. That's isn't what this is about, which is what I'm trying to say but clearly having the trouble finding the words. My relationship with Wilson is like none that I've ever had before. It's mature, it's real, it's adult, it's not about the petty bullshit. It's about an unteathered, burning love, stronger than anything I've ever felt before. It's about being able to depend on someone, but not about being dependent. It's what makes windy cold rainy February days bearable. It's what gets me through every gray day. It's what makes me everything that I want to be. It's beyond words.

I'm sorry this is such incoherent babbling. I'm not even sure if I'll post this. Thanks if you've read this far which is probably just Wilson and maybe Ass. I need to go do something productive. Love you all.

I may be a little behind with this post and it may be old news by now, but I don't care. I want to say some things and now is when I have the time so now is when I'm posting.

So for any of you all that knows what's going on with me and Wilson (and Pappy and Preacherman), here's the deal. Things are worked out. It wasn't Pappy's fault for telling Wilson about the video. Things just got miscommunicated there. Ultimately though, it was my fault.

As Pappy said, I'm a flirty person, always have been. There's character flaw number 1. It's gotten me in trouble before. Low self esteem leads to a need for constant reassurance of sexual desirability. That's why I flirt so much, with EVERYONE. It's just the way I am, or was -- things have to change so says Wilson. So yeah, I flirt a lot. Sorry.

Because I relied on one person for my self esteem before and I got so fucked over, pushed to the edge fucked over, that I'm hestitant to do that again. Bad experiences and betrayal has lead to me flirting a lot with people ALL THE TIME. I flirt with Pappy and Preacherman and Wilson and Caniprokis and anyone of the opposite sex that looks my way. Character flaw number 2, that I didn't work through my shit well enough to give Wilson all that he deserves and that I still flirt too much. Sorry.

I guess Preacherman took all my flirting the wrong way. Maybe I was a little too flirty, maybe it was the alcohol, whatever. I should have been clearer about my intentions, which were nothing more than harmless fun. Character flaw number 3. I unintentionally give people the wrong idea. Sorry.

Okay, so basically I flirt too much and I should have said something to stop things before they got as far as they did. Wilson and I have different ideas of what is ok to do with the opposite sex when you are seriously committed to someone else. Well, Wilson makes so many sacrifices for me, it's about time I bend a little to make him happy. Right, so I have inherent character flaws that I'm working on.

I guess I'm not used to someone caring so much.

HERE FOR ALL TO KNOW, I love Wilson with all the love I have to give. If I flirt with you, please don't get the wrong idea. I don't ever want to be with anyone other than Wilson. He makes me happy in ways I've never known before. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. I'm sorry that things got so messed up.

Thanks ya all for listening. And Pappy, you didn't start anything, it was COMPLETELY my fault.