So I started to write this post and then I think I opened another site in this window or something and lost what I had written. I got sidetracked by laundry or cleaning or something and I just now realized that I hadn't finished my post and what I had written is not lost in the ether somewhere. One more thing to add to my list of aggrivations. Anyway, here's what I wanted to write:
I'm aggrivated, annoyed, irritated, mad, whatever you want to call it. I don't know why though. Wait, wait, before I get into it, I want to say a great big THANK YOU to LioConvoy for responding to my last post. Things were not going right and though it was therapeutic merely to write down my thoughts and all, what I was really looking for was feedback, some sort of response from people. Lio was the only one to respond, so thank you to him. Ironic though that he was the only one and he doesn't even know me. So thanks. And thanks for the words, I know I'm not alone and all that, but idk, I still bothers me.
SO maybe it's just that there are a million and one little things that annoy me and none of them are significant enough for me to recognize them individually, but when they pile up, I just get pissed for no apparent reason. It's not PMS or anything lik that, if you're thinking that. It's not that I forgot to take my pills again, cause I took them this morning. I don't know what it is. I'm just in a bag mood and it makes me mad that I am and I don't know why and it's a vicious cycle.
Okay, so here's a question. Why am I such a distraction? There is something to be said for being able to sit in a room with the person you love each working individually, but being together all the same. That's all that I want some times. I have plenty of work to do all the time and I can sit somewhere and do my work quietly. Or I can sleep. Or I can just lay back and think. In any case, I don't know why you think that I'm such a bother. I don't know why I can't be around. I appreciate that you have work that you need to get done. I wouldn't want to stop you. I wouldn't want to interfere. I want you all to get your shit done so that we can all go out and do something else. Fuck it, if you don't want me around, just say so.
Spring break was a disappointment. All I wanted to do was go somewhere, anywhere, take a little road trip, take a vacation of some kind. I just wanted more than anything to get away from things and just take a week off. Like really take time off. But no, things didn't work out. I ended up going home and working for part of the week. I asked for Friday off so I could go spend time with Wilson and I called in sick on Wednesday. On Thursday night, I ended up driving down to Branford and spend the rest of my break there. I mean, nothing was really bad or anything, it just wasn't what I wanted at all. I didn't want to spend another break at home. I wanted to actually so something, to live, to have something to look back at and really know for sure that these will be the best years of my life or some bullshit like that. It was just a disappointment.
I think that's my problem. Or a big part of my problem. The contradiction between expecations and reality. I have a romanticized view of the way things are or can be and so everything becomes a disappointment. Life is one disappointment after another and maybe it will all only stop when I dig a razor blade deep into my skin and drag it across my flesh watching the scarlet blood come to the surface, my life slowly flowing away from me. Or maybe I need therapy and sitting on some couch talking to some stranger will suddenly give me all that I need to live the life of a shiny happy person. Or maybe one day, I'll just accept that life is almost never amounts to what you hope it will and I'll stop wishing for anything. I'll just accept the drabness and bleak reality.
There I go again being a little over dramatic. My life is not THAT bad. There are so many people that have it worse. I think though, that mental or emotional anguish is worse than physical pain.
I hate when I cry out for help and people "don't know what to say." Say something, say anything. I know you are all smart people and clearly opinionated people as well. Say what you think, ask questions, compliment me, insult me, I don't know, just say something, don't make me feel ignored. I hate thinking that I'm not worth someone's time when I would do anything for him or her. I hate feeling small and unimportant. I hate feeling unwanted. It's a shitty shitty lot in life to live that way even for a small amount of time. Brutal honesty is a rare but wonderful wonderful thing. Sometimes I wish I could just cut through all the nonsense, all the bullshit, strip things down to their core, where there is nothing but brutal honesty. When someone asks for an opinion, they open the flood gates, give them your opinion. Well, maybe that's not so advisable for everyone, but I wish people would at least do it for me. Think I'm a whiny bitch? Tell me. Think I'm needy and insecure? Tell me. Think I'm attractive and intelligent? Tell me. I wish there were no games and no bullshit.
1212 out.