Well this has turned into a running post. I started writing it on Saturday night I think. Ive been writing more and more and havent gotten the chance to actually post it all. I just keep adding and its turned into a sort of running thought thing. Read it or dont, I dont give a shit. Its more for me than for anyone else.

So I started to write (hand write) a post last night before I went to bed. Ill copy that over before I start any of todays rambling.

Happy Saint Patricks Day. Its 1:30 a.m. technically on Sunday, March 18. But its the night of Saturday, Saint Patricks Day. Another stupid holiday that just passes like any other day a disappointment though somehow since I thought it was going to be better than this. Somehow, I remember Saint Patricks Day being something different when I was little. It was a green day and it was fun I dont even remember. All I know is that day after day is just the same to me now, which is just one great disappointment. Anyhow. So, its 1:30 in the morning and Im in my bedroom writing on a pad of yellow lined paper because the computer is downstairs in my parents room. Theyre going to bed... or whatever. Whatever they are doing, lets call it going to bed even if thats not what theyre doing. Sex, drugs, rock and roll. My parents may be people too, but that doesnt mean that I want to know about any non-parent like things that they may or may not be doing. As far as Im concerned, theyre sleeping, so I have to be up here scribbling shit out long hand.

So I think tonight officially ended my childhood. I am twenty years old, so I suppose it was going to happen eventually. No, I dont think I did. I actually think I hoped that it would always be like this. They play the parenting role and I play the role of the offspring. I mean, my grandmother was always the way she should be. I never had to realize that she had faults. I dont have the words to say what Im trying to, but I hope you get the point. If you dont, I dont really care. I suppose this is more for me than for any of you anyhow. Plus, whos really reading this anyhow? Wilson? Pappy? My friend Ashley? Maybe Caniprokis? I cant think of anyone else that cares that much to read any of my babble. Cant blame you, I wouldnt read it either. This paragraph has no structure what so ever. I think it best to end it here. Let me try to continue what I was saying.

So the day started off normally enough for a day that is to supposedly be the end of childhood. I woke up at 11:30, a little aggravated that I had slept so late. I had wanted to get some things done, I was still not feeling so good, and I missed Wilson terribly. Yeah, off to a crappy start, but nothing real out of the ordinary. I took a shower and all that and went out with my dad to run errands. I got my tire fixed (daddy paid), got my oil changed (daddy paid), and went to lunch (daddys dollars again). I was going to go get my haircut on daddys dime too, but my mom called to tell us my aunt and uncle were at the house. (My moms sister and her husband lets call them Gracie and Jerry.) PS- I made it home, 120 miles averaging 80 miles an hour on the highway on my donut. Anyhow, so we went home. My mom, dad, aunt, and uncle (the adults) all decided to go to my moms sisters house, another sister. Lets call her Alice. Anyhow, they all go to Alices house. I had been invited too, but I declined due to less than perfect health conditions... and the fact that Alice smokes like a chimney. They left at about 5:30.

About two hours later they call to tell me that they are leaving, but they might stop for one at a local bar, lets call it Sergios. I asked them to get me a cheese pizza. I dont know if I wanted the cheese pizza, or if maybe I just wanted them to have to come home.

An hour later my dad shows up with my pizza, luke warm. I ask where mom, Gracie, and Jerry are and he says still down at Sergios. They all want you to come down, he says. So I go down there. Its now about 10:00 when I leave my house. I sit down at the bar with my parents for nearly three hours. Yes, thats how I spent my Saint Patricks Day sitting at a bar with my PARENTS, talking to drunken people, listening to the same old stories and jokes over and over again.

Ive realized these general truths. If theyre not general truths, lets just call them that anyway. It will make me feel better. I wont feel like Im the only one, or worse, one among a group of losers. Unless everyone is a loser and then I guess it isnt so bad. Anyhow, this is what I have learned:

  1. If your parents smoked pot in the sixties, what says they dont do it still?
  2. When your mom says that she hasnt smoked in two years, that means that she hasnt smoked in 2 years UNLESS she was drinking too.
  3. Your dad drinks too much. You said to Pappy loudly in the middle of dinner with 2 people that youd never met before, all friends of your boyfriends from home, that he smells like your dad only to realize that you said that solely based on the scent of the beer in front of him. If that doesnt tell you that your dad drinks too much, and the nine years that your parents were on the verge of divorce doesnt tell you either, here is it for you. YOUR DAD DRINKS TOO MUCH.
  4. Is that really a bad thing though?
  5. Your dad drank, smoked pot, and had sex in high school, but somehow youre expected not to.
  6. Your mom didnt go to college. She supposedly waited til marriage (age twenty three) to have sex. Youre going to college AND youre supposed to wait until marriage to have sex.
  7. One or both of your parents may have drank, smoked, smoked pot, had sex, done whatever when they were your age, but you are supposed to learn from their mistakes, not make your own. You are not supposed to get drunk, get laid, or get high.

Thats what Ive learned tonight and I think its kind of shitty. I think lots of things are kind of shitty. I can have a little pity party for myself if I wanted. Thats about all I can do about anything. I think thats shitty.

Here are some things that I have learned before tonight, but tonight they seems to have been rehashed for me.

  1. There are some people that need to have drama in their lives. They bring shit upon themselves and then whine about it, but yet continue to do it all the same. I think they would have nothing to do if they weren't going through some crisis.
  2. It's so hard to completely trust someone. Whether is it a boyfriend or girlfriend or someone that you have counted on your entire life and thought would not betray you, say for example, your parents.
  3. People drink too much.
  4. People say and do stupid things when they are drinking. Sometimes you are lucky if you just end up puking all over yourself in the privacy of your own home. Sometimes you are 49 years old with a 12 year old son at home and end up spending Saint Patrick's Day in a jail cell because you were taken away from a bar, drunk out of your mind, because you started a fight with the owner. Sometimes you are a 19 year old college freshman who has a trusted friend give her too much alcohol and you wake up the next morning, two hospital trips later, having apparently slept with that friend, but not remembering any of it. Sometimes drinking sucks.
  5. People don't learn from their mistakes. A woman who gets arrested and taken away from a bar will just go to a different bar the next weekend. A girl who gets taken advantage of while she is drunk will still drink again. So it just dawned on me that I havent taken my medicine in two days. That probably has something to do with my shitty state of mind. Forgive me, but Im going to continue rambling. Im too lazy to get off my fat ass and go take my pills, so Ill just sit here and babble about what the other me thinks about.

I hate my life and I want to die. There is nothing wrong with me life. There is no reason that I should want to die. That makes it worse. I have nothing to blame it on, so I know its just me being stupid. Im being stupid, that makes me hate myself and makes me want to die. I miss Wilson. Im on Spring Break. Im in Massachusetts and Wilson, my boy, is in Connecticut. Hes having fun with all his friends Im sure and that makes me happy, but it makes me want to die because I am not there with him. I have no patience for anything anymore and I dont know why. There are so many things I love about life, but sometimes, I just dont want to deal with anything not the things I enjoy and not the things that are a pain in the ass to everyone. My childhood was not bad. My life now is not bad, far from it. I dont know why I feel like this sometimes. That makes me mad. Not being in control makes me mad. I just want to die sometimes. Sometimes I just go to bed hoping that I never wake up. Sometimes I want it all to be over. I just want to be gone, a vague memory.

Im completely irrational sometimes. Reason and accountability, right Pappy? I have none, I know. I sit here, at my house, alone, thinking about Wilson. I miss him. Then I have these thoughts, thoughts that make me want to scream and cry and pull my hair out and lie down and die all at the same time. I picture you all being together down in Connecticut while Im all the way up here alone. Then I have these terrible thoughts about Pappy or Stone or someone bringing a new girl into the group and since she is new and interesting, you all fawn over her, Wilson especially. He thinks nothing of what he has up here because there is something new and interesting to keep his attention. Pappy and Stone and Caniprokis all encourage him to get rid of me, to go for the new girl. Wilson leaves me, calls me one day and gives me some line of bullshit that hes going through something and needs space. He then moves on to the new girl and Im left out in the cold, alone, scared. I hate those thoughts. I hate any little shadow of doubt in my mind that I wont always be with Wilson. I hate thinking about things that I hope will never happen. I hate not KNOWING that they will never happen, but HAVING TO BELIEVE that they wont just the same. I hate being insecure and feeling like this. It makes me want to die and I hate that.

I worry sometimes. Being with Wilson makes me happy. Like real happy. It makes me happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I worry that someday, somehow, that will all end. I worry that I will have gotten used to being happy. I worry that I won't be able to deal with not being happy anymore. I worry that I won't want to deal with anything. I worry that I'll go through all the same stuff that I went through with David. I worry that I'll end up scarred and looking for someone else someday. I worry a lot.

So Ashley finally got rid of Dave. I think I mentioned that before. Im not complaining. Im actually quite happy. I dont really like Dave and I dont think that hes any good for her. I dont like seeing her hurting or anything, but Im not upset that they are not together. I was talking to her and she says she misses him. I dont think she does. She misses the idea of him, the idea of that one special person that loves you and cares about you and that you can count on. He isnt as good as she thinks he is though. I was talking to her and telling her what she really needs. I dont know where I get off telling her what she needs to do, as if my life is perfect. Well, that part of it at least is. She needs someone that will not hesitate to be with her, someone that wouldnt think twice about committing to her for the rest of his life. She needs someone that will make her the center of his life, make that obvious to her, but make it appear to the rest of the world as if his life continues normally with only a small change. She needs someone that will think about her all the time. She needs to spend a few months with someone and feel like she's been with them for years and be so happy about it. She shouldnt wonder if he talks about her to his friends, she should KNOW that he does because she KNOWS he thinks about her all the time and cant help but talk about her. She needs someone who can carry on a conversation about something that she wants to talk about, something other than cars and trucks and stupid boring shit like that. She needs not just someone different, but a different KIND of someone. No townies. She needs someone that is going somewhere in their life, someone that has visions, someone that has goals. She needs someone that will be her forever and be happier and happier about it each day. She needs someone that will be to her as Wilson is to me.

***
I feel left out. Left out of everything. I guess right now I am talking about work since that is what got me thinking about this... and since thats where I am right now. So, I am on Spring Break and I came back to work for a week. Actually 4 days. Im skipping out Friday so I can go see Wilson and every one of you all in Connecticut. Anyhow, I dont know why I came back to work. I figured I had to come home since they were kicking me out of my building and all, but why not just mope around the house all day? Why not spend more time with Wilson? Why not doing anything else? Why work? I dont really need the money. I mean I could use it, but it wouldnt have broken me to not work this week. I guess its just for something to do. Well I wish I hadnt. I dont like it here right now. Maybe I need a few days to adjust or something, but by then my week will be up and I can go back to school. I guess I felt like I could leave, go to school, and then come back and pick up right where I left off. Well it isnt like that at all. I feel out of place, out of the loop. I dont know, maybe Im just being retarded, and overreacting. I do that a lot. Im always retarded. Whatever. Heres the thing though, Cathy is being trained to help Mary with real estate and they arent bothering to teach me anything new. I mean it makes sense, Im only summer help and whatever, why invest in me knowing that I wont be there for much longer. Still though, it makes me feel worthless and left out. All summer, they gave me all the new things, cause Im smart and efficient and can learn quickly. Now Im just doing the same meaningless dribble and it is annoying me. I am underpaid and I dont have motivation like I used to. Ive come a long way from the high school junior that I was when I was hired. Not only do I have more education formally, but I also have 3 years of experience with them. That is more important than anything else. Lew says he wants me back this summer, but I dont want to go. I dont know yet if Ill end up there or not, but I dont want to go back. Theyre hiring a part or full time legal secretary starting at $9 or $10 an hour. Ive been there 3 years, and though Im not a paralegal or anything, I have THREE FUCKING YEARS OF EXPERIENCE. I know just how they like their letters, how to write motions, how to do the real estate files. I fucking had an entire collections case of 60 people all to myself. I knew all the people and Lew would come ask me questions about status of each one and everything. Yet, Im only make $8.50 an hour. I hate it. Im just disposable. I dont know, I dont feel like part of the little V&R family anymore. Whatever. I need to start doing things towards what Im going to be doing for the rest of my life anyhow.

So work is what triggered that little rant about being left out. But, work isnt where it began or where it ends. Its my entire life. Maybe Im being over dramatic. Let me rephrase that, Im almost definitely being over dramatic, but I dont care. If you dont like it, fuck off, stop reading, I dont give a damn. I feel like my entire life, Ive been left out of one thing or another. It was my cousins, all of who are older than me, going into a bedroom and leaving me to sit in the fucking living room and watch TV alone like I had been all day. It was my parents going on more vacations without me, than with me, through my entire life. It was my entire family meeting at my fucking house to go to my grandmothers grave, but not asking me and my mom to come along. Its one thing or another, I always feel left out. Its me being up here at home, while you all are in Connecticut having fun and hanging out. I just wish I could always be a part of things. I never have been though, so I dont know why anything would change now.

So I liked Arcee when I met her at dinner and she stayed the weekend at UMass. I have to admit though, seems appropriate to talk about now with the whole leaving people out thing, that I was a little jealous. Im an attention piggy. I need the attention and I love going out with my boys Pappy, Preacherman, sometimes Caniprokis. I like being the only girl.

Speaking of which, I like that Wilson always pays attention to me even when we are out with out people. He pays attention to them too, but he never makes me feel left out. Even when Arcee, Caniprokis, and FlyingTim came and he hadnt seen them in a long time. He still paid attention to me and didnt make me feel out of place. That's a wonderful wonderful thing and he's a wonderful wonderful person. I love him a whole lot. The rest of you can back the fuck off cause he's mine and I'll fight to the death for him. So, Wilson, I just want to say a great big Im sorry for ever paying more attention to other people when we are out. Im sorry baby. I love you and only you. You are my one and only and I want nothing more in life than to spend time with you. Thank you for everything that you are and everything that you make me.

To the rest of you all, you should be lucky that you have such great friends as Wilson, and as each other really. I wish I had had that all through out high school. I thought I did, but somehow what you all have seems far more real. Im jealous. Sorry.

You know what, I was thinking about that whole end of childhood thing. I guess I was blowing things a little out of proportion. Things have changed in my head, but looking at everything from an outsiders perspective, you wouldnt even notice that anything has changed. My parents act like they always have and I suppose, outwardly anyhow, that I do too. Maybe my parents drink too much. Maybe they even get high. I dont care. I dont want to care anyhow. Whatever.

So why was everything so much better when I was little? Do you think that things really were better or maybe I was just a happier little person and I had no cynicism like I have now? I mean, was life the same and I just didn't know or have things really gotten more complicated? SOmetimes I wonder if it was just me that changed or if it was the whole world that changed. I mean, if there is no constant, how can I measure variability and what would it be attributed to even if it could be measured?

I wish I could shut my brain off. I lie awake at night just thinking, day dreaming, whatever, sometimes thinking about things that I want to, sometimes about things that I don't want to, sometimes about things that make no sense what so ever. I just wish I could lay back and think about air like some people that I know. I wish that I could shit off my brain at night when I wanted to and just be able to go to sleep. I wish that I didn't lay awake at night thinking about stupid shit like what I have to do tomorrow and all that. I wish I could just relax. I bet you wish that I would just shut the fuck up.

Despite the longevity of this post, I have nothing really to complain about. Nothing has ever really gone wrong with my life. I mean, we all have our little speed bumps along the way, but there has never been any great obstacles for me. (Zip it Wilson, I've gotten past it all.) Why do I hate my life so much? I need help, professional help. No dice. Im not doing it.

Open to comments, please comment... Im insecure and always wondering, obsessing really, about what other people think of me. Open invitation: please tear me apart, tell me what you think in your most honest voice. Comments welcome...