I didn't expect so many responses. Thank you. This is what I get out of it: Mixing prescription drugs and recreational drugs is dumb and I shouldn't have done it. Well yes, that seems so perfectly clear NOW.

I want to share some things with you all, help you understand what I'm going through in case you care. So there is a reason that I am on Paxil. I'm not going to broadcast that here. Stone said apologies are something that need to be done in person and I think disclosing all my personal problems and some of the darker areas in my personal history is one of those in-person type things, not something to be open on display for anyone who has internet access. Anyhow, there is a reason that I am on it.

Why not come off? Withdrawal for one and fear of returning to the state of mind that I was once in - not a happy place or a happy time in my life, a time filled with self loathing, self deprecation, self doubt, self hatred, romanticization of death, and so on and so on.

I think though, that avoiding withdrawal the primary reason for sticking with the happy pills. I am much happier with my life now (mainly because of Wilson) than I was about a year ago when I started on the pills. I don't things would be as bad as before or even bad at all if I could get off my medication.

It's really just the withdrawal that I don't want to go through. I went home one weekend last semester and left my meds there. I was going home again the next weekend, so my parents didn't see any reason to mail me my pills and I couldn't get any more, so I had to wait. It was no fun, let me tell you. Withdrawal. It was a worse feeling than what I felt before I even went on the pills. That was for a week and then I got to take my meds again. I don't know how long it would've lasted if I hadn't gotten my medication back.

Anyway, want to know what withdrawal is like? Well I found a website listing some of the most commonly reported symptoms. I picked out the ones that I experience :

from List 1

  • extraordinarily vivid (terrifying) dreams
  • feeling of existing outside of reality as you know it
  • unconventional dizziness/vertigo
  • memory and concentration problems
  • panic attacks (even if you never had them before)
  • intense fear of loosing your sanity
  • suicidal thoughts

from List 2

  • severe mood swings
  • headaches

from List 3

  • hypersensitivity to motion, sounds, smells
  • nausea
  • shakiness

The website says, after listing the symptoms in three columns "Whereas the symptoms in column 3 are a nuisance, and the ones in column 2 are barely tolerable, it is the column 1 ones that redefine the term nightmare. Their nature is such, that you will find yourself questioning your sanity on a continual basis."

Coming off the medication is maybe even worse than never having been on it. But being on it is fine, except for my experiences with its combination with recreational drugs and alcohol.

Want to know what I was going through yesterday? Here's the best I can describe it. I was lying on Pappy's bed and, all of a sudden, I was so cold. I got under his blanket, which is a nice down comforter type thing. It was so soft and warm and it made me feel like I was lying on a cloud. It was about here that I half left reality and started living in a dream like sequence. As long as I can keep those dreams and thoughts happy, then I am fine, but when they turn to nightmares and I'm living them and I can't seem to shake myself out of them, is when it turns scary. In anycase, I was lying on my cloud up in Heaven. My grandmother was there since she died about 6 years ago. My cousin Chris was also there, but he isn't dead. But I'm not dead and I was there, so it seemed okay. I was just floating around, thoughts in my head skipping from family parties, to long hot summers when I was little and had nothing to do other than run around in the sun, swim, and play games. It was happier times when I had no worries and no work to do. Life was carefree and fun. There was a gentle breeze and I was just a light little bubble floating gently on the breeze. I layed on Pappy's bed enjoying letting my mind wander through all my happy memories, trying to recpature that carefree feeling and trying to recapture the power of a child's imagination.

Then it turned sexual. I don't know why. It first became incestual with my cousin. It was a little disconcerting, but I knew that I was okay, and I knew that it was only a "dream". Although a very vivid dream, I could tell still that it wasn't real which is the important part. I told Wilson that we had to go home so he started to put on his shoes and get ready. This made Pappy think he was tired and wanted to go to bed. Then I changed my mind and just wanted to stay in bed. I wasn't enjoying the feeling as much so I just wanted to sleep it off. While Wilson was getting his shoes on and trying to get me up, my sexual dreams turned mildly violent - which goes back to my ex boyfriend. The best way to describe things is that he was always agressive. So that was all coming back on me which was fine, because physically I could feel that I was still on my cloud so I knew it wasn't real.

So Wilson wants to get me home so we can go to bed. He had told me that things were all psychological and I wasn't tripping or anything like that when I get high. If I have scary dreams or get afraid or whatever, it's all in my head. Well I could feel that coming on and I didn't want anyone to get mad at me. I had been trying to control my daydreams or whatever you want to call it, control my other reality, but it was turning bad. I hoped if I could just wait it out and it would go away, Wilson and Pappy would be none the wiser and they couldn't get mad at me. BUT since I told Wilson we needed to go home, he was trying to get me out of bed. Feeling his hands on my and feeling him leaning over me merged with what was going on in my head. It went from being a scary dream that I knew I was dreaming to being a scary dream that I could now feel physically. I don't know how to describe it and you can't know what's it's like unless you go through it and no one in their right mind would WANT to go through it. Just trust me, it's a scary thing to not feel in control and for whatever is happening to NOT be anything that you want to happen.

Have you ever had one of those really realistic, mundane dreams where you can't tell if it was real or not? Like, you have a conversation with your mom about what's for dinner. It seems perfectly normal and there's no reason why it couldn't have been real. So you wonder if you had that conversation or not? That's just annoying to not be able to distinguish something like that.

What I feel is sort of similar, except that the dreams are so bizarre and usually very scary. They have to be dreams, and I think I know that, but they feel so real. I'm so scared that they are real and that i'm losing my mind by thinking that they are just dreams. It is terrible to not know what is real and what is a dream and what is in my head and what other people see too. It shakes the foundation of everything I know and makes me worry that the only escape I have from all this would to be end everything, just kill myself and be done with it. It's a scary scary thing to not know where reality begins and ends.

In any case, I finally got up and Pappy took us home. Thank you, by the way, Pappy, for not making me ride the Escort Service. I'm feeling better now, but still not quite right. I can safely say that I am all done with brain chemistry for a good long time. Maybe if I ever get off my Paxil, MacGuyver and I can be reacquainted. Until then though, I'm content to hang out with you all, sleep on the air mattress, or in danz0r's room, or leave when I'm tired so I can make it back to Southwest.

Thank you to Wilson for being my knight in shining armour and standing by me while my head calmed down and I could get straightened out again. Sorry to anyone who has had to read my apologies. I'll keep them more private from now on. Thanks to anyone that is still reading.

I'll be on my best behavior from now on. No more mixing drugs. Pappy, Preacherman, Wilson, no hard feelings? To anyone who hasn't yet met me, I hope I haven't scared you off yet. I'm not like this so much in person. At least I hope not.