i went to visit my fathers buddy who is in a wheelchair yesterday to talk about life in general and he asked me to get his slippers for him upstairs so i said sure cuz i am a hell of a guy so i went up stairs and looked in the first room on the right and saw his two incredibly gorgus daughters jumping on there beds in there undies so i went in as any of you would and said hey

they said hey back and asked me what i needed so i said "your father sent me up here to have sex with you guys" they said yeah right so i yelled down to him and said "HEY BOBBY" "YEA" HE SAYS "BOTH OF EM" i said and in return he yells "YEA"

Wow. A free strap on. Its great to see that there are still philanthropic sex shop owners out there in a cruel world of over-priced plastic phalluses. It may seem like a tempting offer, but I suggest that you decline it.

I had no idea that you got e-mails like that. By the way, I would just like to say that I do not understand what the point of a BMW is. I mean what good are they? I certainly can't figure them out. It seems to be some sort of metal box with wheels fixed to it. Odd.

That second e-mail, however, it looks as if hunch wrote it. I'd like to respond to that one, actually:

f s e93;L F934-(*R jf f dl a h 12 1 DJMC D +"QQQQbQ

How's that for a rejoinder. Do you really get mail that often, Pappy? I don't think that any of us have gotten any mail so far. Which is okay with me. I bet that will change after we start making fun of the people who send mail. The benevolent sex shop owners of the world may start e-mailing us left and right. Although I welcome any e-mails from the BMW coroporation.

I found that on ebay. I didn't even know ebay had adult shit, and I didn't need to know that either.. like.. take that buttplug for instance. It is an ejaculating butt plug. Meaning, it will ejaculate into your ass.

Who is the target audience for this? I mean.. well.. heres the thing, it's not exactly women. Buttplugs in general are meant for everyone supposedly. Guys have prostates, women.. well.. I'm not sure what they get out of sticking things in their ass. Plus you have the gay men who REALLY like things up their asses and can't make the drive to work without wearing their buttplug. But still.. who is this ejaculating butt plug for?

A lot of sex toys conjure up the image of the lonely guy or gal wanting some simulated action. So, maybe you have the guy who likes butter in his ass.. he buys a buttplug to try something different. Okay. Or you have the woman who just loves to fill things in, so she buys a butt plug. But.. if you want something to ejaculate into your ass, why not have someone do it. Oh.. I just realized the whole disease things can be a problem. Ugh. There goes the mystery. You simulate the ejaculation because your partner is normally with condom..

Still.. an ejaculating butt plug?

I should add a dream category.. unfortunately I remember so few of my dreams.

This was a pretty damn lucid one and I remember it.. here:

It's around 3am, and I am heading to bed. I head to take a shower as I do every night before bed. I get into the shower, and wash my hair and stuff. I get soap in my eyes, and I am trying to get it out. I then look towards the wall and see that around eye level is now a window. It is now daytime, and I am watching people walking to class. The outside of all the buildings has changed to a smooth light brown stone. I turn around and the shower is now much bigger.. not knowing what is going on, I quickly rinse out my hair and turn off the shower. I open the curtain a bit and get out of the shower. I am standing naked outside the shower, grabbing my towel.

I then realize that the layout of the whole bathroom has changed. Instead of me being at the end shower in the corner, I am now at the second one over. I then notice that there is no way the window can look outside because the showers arent facing that way.. but they are now.

I then look to my right and see that somehow there are another dozen or so showers out of nowhere. I put on my boxers and sandals and get the urge to take a piss. A toilet appears to my left and I start pissing into it. The toilet disappears, and I am now urinating on the wall. Nothing seemed odd about this.

I turn around and pick up my bucket to go brush my teeth. I see a girl get out of the shower about 10 feet away. She is completely naked and walking towards the door. She disappears around the corner, and I head towards teh sinks to brush my teeth, which is around the corner. I then see a whole bunch of people at the sinks, including the naked girl, all brushing their teeth. I go to an available sink, which is next to the naked girl. Trying not to act weird, I just brush my teeth, looking into the mirror at everything around me, including her. Two girls walk into teh front door, one girl is giving the other the tour of the floor.. saying that this is the bathroom and its coed since its the only bathroom in the building since [X] (i dont remember the reason). The naked girl then comes up behind me and starts mumbling pointing to her chest. I am looking at her through the mirror at the time, so I turn around (hey, she's pointing).

When I turn around, she now has a shirt one. A white shirt, fairly tight. She then leaves. The girl who was brushing her teeth next to me then says something to me that I find funny, so I laugh.

Then I woke up to my cell phone ringing.

P.S.

Holy Geez Twistedevil, you're freakin' HAWT!!!

Because of the last few ruminations of my colleagues, I figure I'll get in on the action. Most of you know that I'm very cynical, but not many of you know why, especially when it comes to women. So here's a little insight.

The first girl I ever went out on a date with worked with Wilson and I, back when I was a junior in high school. I was a stock clerk and she was a cashier, and I always thought she was pretty, but Wilson thought she looked like a witch. I agree with him now, but back then she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. So I screwed around and acted like a jackass (cause I was) and we got to be friends and hung out at work. We'd go to lunch and stuff, real casual, but it meant a lot to me, because she was the first girl who had ever paid any amount of attention to me. So eventually, I asked her out one evening as were leaving work. She said sure, and gave me her number. I don't remember much more of that night, except that I was very happy. I called her and asked her what she wanted to do, and she told me that she was singing at the christmas convert, would I like to come. Sure, I said, and she told me to come over and get my ticket. So I did, and I ended up having a long conversation with her parents, who really seemed to like me. We went to the concert and watched her sing, it went well. So I called her the next day, and we agreed to go get a cup a coffee and hang out the next night. So I went and picked her up for the date, and I'm pretty sure that the date was boring as hell. Not for me, by a long shot. Once we got coffee, I was out of ideas. And she didn't have any, so I think we just drove around. Real interesting, huh? I didn't really care, I was just having a blast being with her. I would have dont anyting she suggested. So I brought her home, and we stood in her driveway shuffling our feet, looking at the pavement, wondering what we should do. Then she kissed me. It was a small kiss on the lips, but I suppose that no matter what, your first kiss is the best. So I said goodnight and drove home with my window wide open at 70 miles per hour, in the middle of November. That was a good night too.

After that, I couldn't get ahold of her for any length of time. We'd chat, but she always had someplace to go, another person to be with, and I never went out with her again outside of work. We were still going to lunch and stuff, and one time, the last time, coincidentally, I asked her what we were. She hemmed and hawed, well, you know, I'm real busy now, (she was in a caroling group through her school) and she didn't really have enough time to have a relationship. It killed me to hear that, but at least I could understand it. I couldn't argue with it. A week later, I saw her at the movies making out with some guy in the arcade. Classy.

That made me good and gunshy. I wanted nothing to do with dating girls, and I didn't until this summer. My friend the Tall Goofy One had introduced me to one of his friends, a girl named Cat, short for Catherine. So I was her a few times, she came over my house one night with him and watched a baseball game, and she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her later in the week, just me and her. Of course, I said. So we did, we hung out a few times and had a good time, and then she came with me to Caniprokis' birthday party at the Pot. In the course of hanging out with her, she told me that she needed a muffler, and I checked it out, and sure enough, hers was rotting out. So I went through lots of books at the store to find just a muffler seperate. This was a Saturn, and lots of those exhaust systems are all one piece. But I finally found her one, and cheap too. So One satudrday, she came over and I put it in for her. And I'm not complaining, but it was a really hot day, and I was laying on my back on the hot asphalt, working on a hot exhaust system. I had to cut the old muffler off of the pipe and work the new one on, plus a hanger and clamps. Not a hard job, but very labor intensive. So i finish up, and I don't charge her any labor on the job, and she says that she has to run, that she'll call me that night. She never did. So I called her the next day, and she sounded very surprised to hear from me. I asked her if she was free that night, no, she said, she had a lot of work to do around the house. Understandable, I thought to myself, and she told me that she'd call me the next night. She never did then either, but I let it go. A few days later, I was hanging with the Goofster, who told me that he saw her the night before. Oh yeah, I said? Did she say anything interesting? Well, yeah, he said. She said that that kid Tim called again, I guess he didn't get the hint when I told him that I'd call him. Geez...some guys are thick... Nice. Real nice. It a good thing you didn't tell me yourself. Oh yeah, I also made an appointment with a garage we do business with to get the A/C in he car recharged. She blew that off too, which made me look REAL good....

And now we come to the last and latest, which some of you know about. Her name was Kate, another friend of the Goofster. You think I'd have learned my lesson with the first one... We started hanging out on January 1st. That's the only reason I remember the date. So we spent an entire sunday together, and that was cool. For two weeks, we saw nothing but each other. Calliander and Caniprokis should remember that... Anyway, those two weeks were dope. We were really close at the end there. It was a few days before she had to go back to Eastern, and I told her that I was gonna come up and visit her and stuff, when she told me that she wasn't sure of a long distance relationship, a whole hour away and all. I'm sure Arcee and Caniprokis can identify with that one. It didn't really worry me that much, I figured she just needed a little reassurance. So I called her the next day, and she was out, and she was out that night, and I never talked to her again, to make a long story not so long. Another classy move. A month later, she emailed me and told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship. At least she told me in a timely fashion, the thirty day return policy and all.

So those are the big three, there were other rude girls mixed in between there now and then, but those are the experiences that stand out in my mind. That's why im so goddam cynical. I'm not whining, I'm not asking for any advice, and I don't want anyone telling me to "Buck up, buckeroo!" That's my experience, so that's why I think the way I do. Aydeeos, muchachos. And have a wonderful Saint Patrick's day. Don't get too pickled.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Calliander's Breast Ratings! On this first installment, it will be necessary for me to explain what's going on. First, I cruise around looking for pictures where you can clearly see the size of a woman's chest. I download these images, ponder them for a while, then decide whether or not those breasts are good. I will then post them, in five part installments, on here. Yes, folks, I have way too much time on my hands! Enjoy!

This first young lady is someone we all know, and possibly love (unless you're a woman, then you're jealous of her). Let's give her a hand, though!

Lookin' good. Our next contestant, and all after her, are anonymous women from the web. Let's see what she gets!

Pretty nice titties there, honey!

Ohhh, so sad. Maybe she shouldn't have put her picture up here. Let's continue on...

Not too shabby! In fact, kind of far from shabby! And our last young lady for today is next. Let's see...

Yikes! What does she eat? Air? Well, that's all for today, folks. Stay tuned for the next terribly exciting episode!

Applause.

This amazes me. I could write a goddam thesis on this shit, if I knew what any of it meant. Let me explain.

There's this pretty guy in my English class. I mean, goddam attractive, and I mean that in the most homosexual way possible. EVERY girl in the class stares and smiles and fawns all over him. And he's an asshole, cause he's an idiot, but he LOVES to talk. He'll always use a personal story to illustrate the point he's making according to the text. And all of his stories have to do with his girlfriend, who he talks about constantly.

Now, when someone talks about their significant other, it's usually a signal to the others to back off. I'm taken. But no. He's just too attractive. Girls ask him question, he ignores them. Every class period, they flock like swallows to Capastrano, each one doing that run/walk to the desk next to his. Girls get there real early just to sit near him. One time, he hadn't gotten there yet, and they all went and say down around an empty desk. All the girls were on one side, and us guys, there's like 6 of us, were on the other side of the circle. He comes in late, and all the girls smile and bat their eyelashes, like Elvis was walking in the room. He comes in and looks around, and sits down next to me, on the guy's side. Man alive, you wanna see the looks on these pathetic dames' faces. Their faces dropped to the floor. It was goddam hilarious. They sulked the whole class.

That's my story. I totally don't get women. Sometimes, though, us losers can sit back and laugh.

I'm angry, and here's why.

Why the FUCK do women pick the shitty fuckups to have a relationship with? Why not go with the nice guy, the guy with the job, the guy with an education on the first shot? Invariably, the asshole is going to treat her like shit, and if she's lucky, she'll see clear to get rid of him. Then, and ONLY then, will she decide maybe she'll 'settle' for the nice guy who's entire wardrobe doesn't consist of clothing from A&F or Structure, and then, WOW! What a surprise! I'm much happier with the nice guy! The REAL guy! Imagine such a thing.

All day long, I overhear conversations between two attractive girls, complaining about their asshole boyfriends, how they treat them like shit, one girl was even complaining about how he fucked her best friend. And she was like, and you know, we're going to have to have a discussion about that, because if I can't trust him, we can't have a relationship. Bullshit! You don't give a fuck about what he does, as long as he's not obvious about it. And even if he is, you'll still take his shitty ass back, and I haven't a clue why.

There are plenty of REAL guys out there, including me. And by real, I mean, guys with responsibility, guys with respect for women, guys with morals...And we're single. And then, as the real kick in the balls, when you date a girl, and you want to talk to her, she says that we get clingy. You know what? Fuck you. You deserve to be with that cocksucker that cheats on you and spends his time with everybody but you. Heaven forbid you be with someone who cares about you and is concerned. What good are those people, anyway? Christ...it drives me nuts. There are a lot of things in this world that I don't understand, but I can usually accept that and move on, some things are just the way they are, and you can't change that. But this makes me mad, especially when I see this idiot asshole motherfuckers who go from girlfriend to girlfriend, and who don't give a fuck, because they're getting laid. Meanwhile, the girl in your class that you like, likes some other cocksucker, and he's still dating someone. But she doesn't care, because he still smiles at her and flirts with her, and she might be onto something, because he probably will end up fucking her behind his girlfriend's back. And this is to the girls who say that there are no good men left: Fuck Off. There are a LOT of us. If you're only looking for pricks, imagine that, pricks are the only guys you're going to find. I don't feel sorry for you. It's your own damn fault.

Geh..it just makes me so fucking mad sometimes. You'd think that those fucking assholes would just give us good guys a better name, but no, they just scare women, making it that much harder for us.

Yes, I know this sounds like pathetic whining, but go fuck yourself anyway. I had to blow off some steam.

Well I wrote a post last night about how much this school sucks and how the cock sucking mother fuckers at the bottom of the building wouldn't shut the hell up until like 4 in the goddamn morning. As it turns out, I hadn't taken my pills in a few days which explains the hostility. So sorry.

I just want to write a little post, like a little statement of correction or something. Whatever, I just want to say that this extended weekend hasn't really been so bad after all.

Let's step back and reasses things. We've had two scheduled days of classes canceled because of the snow. That's a plus. That means more free time to get shit done or do nothing at all. I have slept I don't even know how many hours, but it's a lot. My dad called me tonight at 6 pm and WOKE ME UP! We ordered food and that's good cause it wasn't from the DC. In the past few days I have eaten 3 extra large pizzas, 3 orders of cinnimon breadsticks, 3 bottles of coke, a quart of grape koolaid, and I don't even know what else. Here's the best part though, I've spent this whole weekend with Wilson and in the past 5 days, we've had sex 23 times. Food, sex, sleeping, no cares, no regrets, it doesn't get much better than that!

1212 I'm out.