This one goes out to all my homies in LA... How ya'll doing out there guys. Haven't heard from you in some time. I just wanted you guys to know that you were missed during this past holiday. We had a party in the Filth Hole, but it just wasn't the same without you.

So, what's been going on in your absense... not a whole hell of a lot. Calliander's been doing well at his job and him and E seem to be doing famously. Blake dropped by for a bit and sends her love. Stone's still truckin' and ready to join you guys this summer. And even I seem to be doing better. Had some rough times... the seizures... my father's cancer... my mother getting laid off, but as they say it's darkest always before the dawn. The cancer is treatable, my mother found a new job and hopefully my seizures will come under control in time.

Shoot a word back at me ya dirty bastards!

As I write this post, my eyes are such a lovely shade of fiery red.  I got into it with Red... once my flame and twice my burn.  I know, just when I think all female drama in my life is gone, here it comes again... I'm pretty sure I'm just a magnet for it at this point.  She started our conversation with an accusation that I was hiding "something" from her.  Claiming that I was arguing too rationally to not be lying to her, whatever the fuck that means.  In her head, everyone around her is plotting against her, or hiding something she should know. 

The worst part is I knew NOTHING about anything she was accusing me of knowing about!  She wasn't going to let off until I spilled what I knew.  BUT I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!  She's convinced something happened in regards to her ex boyfriend, and her bestfriend knows something.  She was also convinced I knew something.  Now, I hate her ex, and I'm more than a little miffed at her best friend... and I'd love to fuck them both over, but I'm not about to bare false witness against them, which is the only thing that would have made Red happy.  Eventually I just told her to offer me the one thing I couldn't turn down, a night with her, in return for any information I had for her.  The idea being that I had no information and would have to turn down her offer because of that... She didn't make the offer, but eventually she kinda believed me.

The worst part, the part that sets me off more than anything else... she called my word into question.  Now I'm many things... Immoral, maybe... A pervert, definitely... but one thing I hold to dearly is my word, and the word of those around me.  I have ended friendships over the word.  I have kicked people out of my life for violations of the word.  For her to call ME into question infuriates me to a degree I can't even think of. 

My question is... when do I get to give up?  She doesn't love me and never will.  She won't let me love her.  If I stay the friend like I've been doing, I just get to sit there and watch and she goes along with other guys and I repress my feelings.  If I just throw up my hands and walk away, I'm the bad guy.  If I can walk away from her, even after total defeat, did I ever truly love her?  This is the question I'm grappling with.  I mean, she really needs me to be there, and she's been there for me in the past, but am I emotionally mature enough to do the same?

Just another happy go lucky post from your friendly neighborhood LioConvoy... enjoy

I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of something to write.  I'm in a downer of a mood and I can't really explain why.  I guess the primary reason would be that I recently had a relapse in my seizures.  This calls into question when I will be able to drive... which means I have to quit that new job I was so jazzed about.  No car, No cash, which leads to a third constant bitch of mine, no women...  "Hey ladies, get it while you can... I'm broke and I don't drive...  ease back don't fight!"  I mean, FUCK, is it that hard for me to catch a fucking break here!  The maddening fucking thing about this screwed up central nervous system of mine is that I didn't even do anything to provoke a seizure.  I wasn't drinking, I wasn't smoking dope, I wasn't skipping my pills... SHIT!  If I'm gonna have these fucking seizures I should at least be able to not care about those behaviors. 

And since I'm not getting this job I was going to get, now I have to get on my own insurance and be a further fucking burden to my family, as if feeding me and letting me stay at their house wasn't enough.  I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to being a real person I could taste it.  I had a job, was getting a car... at that rate it would have been a few months till I had my own place...  Now, I'm back to square one. 

The one thing that has been cool about this is everyone around me... they've all been really understanding.  Whether it be you guys listening to my shit, the folks at Caron's and their concern for how I was doing, or my parents backing me in my final decision to quit First Investors.  At least the one complaint I can't make is that no one cares... and I thank God for that.

Ah well, at least this gives me some time to work on me, which is something I feel I need to do.  Don't know why but I just feel this need to improve myself somehow.  Don't know how or by what means, but this extended period of time to myself will not be spent frivolously.  People spend their lives wishing for time to themselves, and that's the flipside of this little breakdown on the highway of life for me. 

Luckily I don't seem to have any major female drama in my life at the moment.  This is both good and bad.  While there are currently no prospects romantic interludes in my near future, there are no chances for heartbreak either.  No one choosing hideous losers over me, No one sleeping with my best friends the second I'm not in town, No one completely ignoring the fact that I obviously have feelings for them... nothing.   There is one girl at work who is kinda nice, but she's one of those people who is genuinely nice, so I can't tell if I might actually have a chance with her, or if she's just being nice.  I'm so used to dealing with women who wouldn't piss on my gums if my teeth were on fire that I can't get a read on a person who is actually nice.  She's also pretty good friends with Kim, and that would be just plain weird. 

Well, It's a half hour later, I've vented about just about everything that has entered my mind at the moment... thanks for listening...

I bought the new Tori album Saturday. Now, as many of you know, I've been very disappointed with her last few outings. So disheartened by these last few albums that I didn't muster the enthusiasm to listen to this album until 1:30 AM Tuesday morning. This new disc is a concept album about Tori's less than popular views of America in the wake of 9/11. Now I don't agree with this message, but my own political views do not sway my appreciation of art. With that said, what do I think?

Fabulous! This was the Tori album i was waiting for. Gone is all that Techno Faggotry of the last two albums. Gone is the lack of a cohesive theme or "soul". These songs are all very much of this album. Oddly enough this album sounds much like the work of her earlier career, most notably Little Earthquakes and Under the Pink. This album has a much softer edge to it than anything she's done in the last 6 years. There are no songs that have the hard edge of something like Blood Roses or She's Your Cocaine. However there are a few delightfully quirky romps like "Wednesday" on this album.

Well, it was worth the wait, but finally, an album that has restored my faith in Tori. I await November 16th with baited breath.

I think it was Confucius, or maybe Lao Tzu (one of those great Asian philosophers) that said "May you live in interesting times."  After several months of stagnation still waters are starting to ripple.  Things are getting interesting again.  I finally hooked up with a job which is good. It's in financial planning, which is somewhat far afield from what I studied in school, but I desperately need a challenge.  I have a thorough belief that I am capable of pulling off anything I set my mind do, and at this time, I don't have anything to concentrate on.  Still no luck on the lady front, but on the bright side that means no chance of getting my heart broken.

On a sadder note, this evening I suffered the loss of my brown overcoat.  I spilled grease from chinese food all over it.  After six years and a tour of duty that involved protecting me from the harsh Pennsylvania winters, time has come for me to lay the coat to rest.  Vaya con Dios good coat...

Something more serious has been bothering me recently though.  A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend a few months back.  Now, she has always been somewhat prone to depression, and she has been on a slow steady downward spiral since we met.  But since she broke up with her boyfriend it's been real bad.  In the past few days it's gotten so bad I fear for her.  It's gone past simple over dramaticizing a matter and into the realm where I think something might be seriously wrong with her.  I mean what do I say?  For all the drama I've had and started with various women in my time, I have never once believed that one of them actually loved me, and then had that love taken from me.  It's not like I can say that I sympathize because I can't.  It's not like I can say it will be ok, because I don't know that it will.  The closest I can compare this to is the epic that was Kim [DemonQueen]... and we never had a good relationship, maybe 2 weeks out of 3 years were actually healthy, well not healthy but passable.  I don't know what to do.  If I tell here she's better off without this homo, she gets mad at me.  If I tell her she'll get over it she doesn't believe me.  I tell her she has worth as a desirable person, she tells me I'm biased.  I honestly don't know what to do.  All I want to do is to make her feel better, and there's nothing I can do to facilitate that.  It's just slightly frustrating. 

Well, I think that's every thing going on in my life right now.  At least the boredom has lifted from my life and I finally have a glimmer of hope on the horizon... which is great thing.

Well, I recently reached another landmark on my road to becoming an adult... My first job interview.  While it could be something that grinds my soul and spits me out... the job looks promising, and if I get an offer, I think I'lll take it.

I'm slowly losing my mind... that's become apparent to some of you over the past few months... but it's really becoming apparent to me now. I think I realize the reason why I've become so unstable... the truth is, I'm a man that has always been defined by his challenges... but what happens when that man has no challenges to meet? I'll tell you what happens... he deteriorates.

See, I've always had some sort of challenge or goal to work forward too... whether that be a degree, or a girl I like, or something that I want. But I don't go to school anymore, I don't have a girl that I like... I don't know what I want. I don't have any of these things that define me. I feel like there is nothing out there, i feel empty. I just have this overwhelming feeling of "Ok, now what?" What do I do. Where do I go... I mean, I'm not limited in my choices... in fact my problem is the exact opposite... My life can go off in about 5000 different directions, but which way do I go?

I don't know... I should be happy that I don't have anything that binds me... but without something that binds me, I just don't know who I am. Some times I just feel so bland. I just want to shake things up... flip the status quo on its ear... in short... change everything. Ah well... change will come soon... job interviews have started to trickle in, and in time some new philly will come in and turn my head and occupy my time... until then, I just gotta sit tight.

hey folks... I know about two or three posters here care about this but...  Tickets for the Tori Amos show on November the 16th, go on sale Saturday the 21st.  If any of you want to attend this event with me... get in contact... check ya later...

heheh... funny post Calliander, fortunately, I think most movie producers will try and avoid doing a movie about it for at least 10 years. I mean besides a few TV movie hacks that will try and make a quick buck off it, but luckily I think we've cleared that window of time. Hey, maybe we'll get lucky and they'll pull a Pearl Harbor on us and not release a major box office movie about the event for the next 50 years. By then you and I will be Fat Guy and Skinny Guy hanging out in front of Foote Park and reminiscing about our youth. Then we'll wanna see it.

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