As I write this post, my eyes are such a lovely shade of fiery red. I got into it with Red... once my flame and twice my burn. I know, just when I think all female drama in my life is gone, here it comes again... I'm pretty sure I'm just a magnet for it at this point. She started our conversation with an accusation that I was hiding "something" from her. Claiming that I was arguing too rationally to not be lying to her, whatever the fuck that means. In her head, everyone around her is plotting against her, or hiding something she should know.
The worst part is I knew NOTHING about anything she was accusing me of knowing about! She wasn't going to let off until I spilled what I knew. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING!!! She's convinced something happened in regards to her ex boyfriend, and her bestfriend knows something. She was also convinced I knew something. Now, I hate her ex, and I'm more than a little miffed at her best friend... and I'd love to fuck them both over, but I'm not about to bare false witness against them, which is the only thing that would have made Red happy. Eventually I just told her to offer me the one thing I couldn't turn down, a night with her, in return for any information I had for her. The idea being that I had no information and would have to turn down her offer because of that... She didn't make the offer, but eventually she kinda believed me.
The worst part, the part that sets me off more than anything else... she called my word into question. Now I'm many things... Immoral, maybe... A pervert, definitely... but one thing I hold to dearly is my word, and the word of those around me. I have ended friendships over the word. I have kicked people out of my life for violations of the word. For her to call ME into question infuriates me to a degree I can't even think of.
My question is... when do I get to give up? She doesn't love me and never will. She won't let me love her. If I stay the friend like I've been doing, I just get to sit there and watch and she goes along with other guys and I repress my feelings. If I just throw up my hands and walk away, I'm the bad guy. If I can walk away from her, even after total defeat, did I ever truly love her? This is the question I'm grappling with. I mean, she really needs me to be there, and she's been there for me in the past, but am I emotionally mature enough to do the same?
Just another happy go lucky post from your friendly neighborhood LioConvoy... enjoy