I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of something to write. I'm in a downer of a mood and I can't really explain why. I guess the primary reason would be that I recently had a relapse in my seizures. This calls into question when I will be able to drive... which means I have to quit that new job I was so jazzed about. No car, No cash, which leads to a third constant bitch of mine, no women... "Hey ladies, get it while you can... I'm broke and I don't drive... ease back don't fight!" I mean, FUCK, is it that hard for me to catch a fucking break here! The maddening fucking thing about this screwed up central nervous system of mine is that I didn't even do anything to provoke a seizure. I wasn't drinking, I wasn't smoking dope, I wasn't skipping my pills... SHIT! If I'm gonna have these fucking seizures I should at least be able to not care about those behaviors.
And since I'm not getting this job I was going to get, now I have to get on my own insurance and be a further fucking burden to my family, as if feeding me and letting me stay at their house wasn't enough. I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to being a real person I could taste it. I had a job, was getting a car... at that rate it would have been a few months till I had my own place... Now, I'm back to square one.
The one thing that has been cool about this is everyone around me... they've all been really understanding. Whether it be you guys listening to my shit, the folks at Caron's and their concern for how I was doing, or my parents backing me in my final decision to quit First Investors. At least the one complaint I can't make is that no one cares... and I thank God for that.
Ah well, at least this gives me some time to work on me, which is something I feel I need to do. Don't know why but I just feel this need to improve myself somehow. Don't know how or by what means, but this extended period of time to myself will not be spent frivolously. People spend their lives wishing for time to themselves, and that's the flipside of this little breakdown on the highway of life for me.
Luckily I don't seem to have any major female drama in my life at the moment. This is both good and bad. While there are currently no prospects romantic interludes in my near future, there are no chances for heartbreak either. No one choosing hideous losers over me, No one sleeping with my best friends the second I'm not in town, No one completely ignoring the fact that I obviously have feelings for them... nothing. There is one girl at work who is kinda nice, but she's one of those people who is genuinely nice, so I can't tell if I might actually have a chance with her, or if she's just being nice. I'm so used to dealing with women who wouldn't piss on my gums if my teeth were on fire that I can't get a read on a person who is actually nice. She's also pretty good friends with Kim, and that would be just plain weird.
Well, It's a half hour later, I've vented about just about everything that has entered my mind at the moment... thanks for listening...