If any of you missed me (which I seriously doubt), I apologize for my absence from Insult over the entire summer. :) To be honest, I really had no time to do much of anything computer related after putting in 50+ hours a week at the hardware store (a job, thankfully, I'll never have to do again).

I don't know what to make of the events over the past week or so. It's just a shame that people still feel the need to destroy each other for whatever reason. I just hope our governments don't make decisions that cause more loss of life. I know that probably won't happen, but I can always hope, no?

Oh, and Calliander, I want a name too. Gimme one. :)

-Gatekeeper of The Dark Side

Oh, you guys had a birthday dinner for our friend Caniprokis. Lovely. Thanks for inviting me, guys, that's just great. Really.

Oh, you guys had a birthday dinner for our friend Caniprokis. Lovely. Thanks for inviting me, guys, that's just great. ... [continued]

Geez...I leave for a day or two and the whole place goes to shit. Sadly, though (and I'm sure you are all saddened by this), I am not going to read all these recent posts just so I can throw in my two cents which nobody cares about. A few sentences caught my eye, so I'll make a few general comments.

1. People should not concern themselves with other people's problems unless their help is asked for. I'm guilty of doing this myself, but in a perfect world, this would work.
2. People should not pick other people's friends. Bottom line.

In a totally unrelated topic, I want to run a little business idea by all of you wonderful people. FlyingTim and I were recently talking about what kind of business would be cool, and we came up with something:

Big TA's Auto Body & Steak House

What do you think? We both thought this would be a great idea. You know, you could sit down to a nice steak dinner while getting your car fixed. We'd have themed specials, too, like "Radiator & Ribs" and "Transmission & Teriyaki Tips" and stuff like that. And every Tuesday would be "Meet Big TA Day", because everyone loves a business owner who interacts with his customers. FlyingTim and I also have concluded that our good friend Caniprokis will be appointed to manage the Steak House portion of the business. FlyingTim and I both appreciate steak to a level above the average Joe, but Caniprokis has us all beat. Anyway, I just wanted people's ideas. I'm going to bed now.

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!

Caniprokis, I don't event WANT to know how you 'found' a site like that, but if you want to please yourself with didloes shaped like Jesus on the cross and Buddha, then that's your prerogative. However, I never again want to visit a site whose slogan is "Home of The Baby Jesus Butt Plug" ever again.

Since I now know that you're into this kind of thing, my friend, I have another site that came up in a popup window when I was looking at NORMAL porn several years back. Due to the hilarity of it, the URL stuck in my mind: http://www.poopsex.com

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!

You know, Pappy must be having a very fun drunken evening after that last post of his. I'd like to post something quite similar that the Pappster wrote several years ago...

--------------------------------------
I was walking down the road, and you know what?  I forgot to wear my shower tongit!
You see, when I woke up this morning I realized I had brushed my teeth the next day... but that was AFTER I had a shower.  They should make them better.
I know [Gatekeeper]'s going to disagree, but he's a fucking dirty person with not a tooth except when he's naked.
187 187
--------------------------------------

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!

Calliander, "My dad had a 'fro when he was younger." is a lot more believable than "Some lady tried to exorcise my demons on Easter." or "I was stalked by a 13 year old with huge tits." Our dads did crazy things when they were our age. Given that your father is probably a good 10-15 years younger than mine, I wouldn't doubt that he had a 'fro when he was our age. Believe it or not, my dad used to be a ballroom dancer in New York when he was my age, then he came home for a visit, met my mother, and it was all pretty much downhill from there except for the birth of his two children. ;)

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!

Thank you, FlyingTim, for letting me know that I received a piece of spam! I had no idea that's what it was. Honestly, though, I don't think it was spam. It was addressed to "gatekeeper@insult.org", which forwarded it to my official e-mail address. That means someone had to look at this site to send it to me. But I really don't care. I hate stupid "someone has a crush on you" services like that, so I went to their site and filled in their little "don't ever send me anything else" form for all my e-mail addresses. And to whoever sent the e-mail to me in the first place, get a life. I like meeting people in person, thank you.

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!

Okay, people. I wake up this morning to check my e-mail and here's a lovely message that's waiting for me:

Guess what... you've got a secret admirer!

Want to find out who it is? Just click to http://www.CrushLink.com

Email address: gatekeeper@insult.org

Invitation code: [removed]

Make sure you enter in this information exactly as shown above.

See you soon!

Sincerely,The Crush Master

PS. This is not junk email. You've received it because someone you know came to CrushLink and confessed an interest in you! Maybe it was that hottie from English class or the cute one at the party last weekend or maybe--well, we can't even give you a hint until you come to CrushLink.com.

PPS. If you do not wish to receive any more of these messages from CrushLink, please visit http://www.CrushLink.com/block.php3

So, since I must be on crack, I follow the fucking link and it asks me to input people who I possibly have a crush on so it can look for a match. But there's a catch. Anyone I list will receive this stupid e-mail regardless of if they have a crush on me or not, and I'd rather not do that to a few people that I like.

The main thing here is that if this MESSAGE WAS SENT BY AN INSULT READER (NOT A POSTER), THEN YOU ARE A MORON BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW YOU AND THEREFORE, I CANNOT GUESS YOUR NAME, YOU FUCKING CUNT.

If this WAS sent by an Insult reader, then you are also a fucking cunt. There's only like two female posters here, and if one of the GUYS has a crush on me then, well, talk to me privately because you obviously have some serious issues to be worked out. There's nothing wrong with being gay, but being gay AND liking me means you have some serious mental issues. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to cut out my own brain because for some odd reason, I ended up picturing Pappy smeared with canola oil. Fuck you.

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!

Well, well. We certainly have an interesting dilemma going on here. And at the request of my good friend FlyingTim, I'll throw in my two cents for anyone that might care to read them. Oh, and I also don't give a fuck if anyone likes them or not. So suck my hairy Italian asshole.

Levres, stop being a two year old. Right now. I personally don't care how you act, but I'm giving you a suggestion that might make your life a whole lot easier. "I don't like not getting my way." Tough shit, sister, that's the way life is. I don't like not getting my way either, but it's really unrealistic to think that you can, and it's stupid to get upset over the fact you can't.

Pappy, don't even consider moving in with Levres and Wilson. If the thought crosses your mind, I'll punch you in the fucking head and I mean it. As good of a friend as you might be to both of them, don't put yourself into the position of being an unwanted third wheel. I don't care what they might say about it, but you'll all end up miserable if something like that happens. Living with a bunch of guys is different than living with one of your best friends and his girlriend. Situations like that never end up good. Now, if Pappy were to get a woman of his own, then moving in as two couples MIGHT be acceptable if everyone gets along. But as it is right now, I'd seriously advise against it.

Calliander, I'd like to bring up something that might be a bit old. I don't know why, but something stopped me from posting after you made your little rant about Easter way back near Easter. Some lady DID NOT come into East Haven Mobil and call you a "faithless demon" and put a rosary on the counter and all that shit. Stop making up outrageous stories. And if that DID happen (which I highly doubt), tell your boss to let you make a copy of the security tape so you can send it to "America's Shittiest Lies." I'm done.

So Speaks The Gatekeeper...So It Shall Be!