As long as you don't mind a chick who talks about farts and pus during meals:)

Anyways, good luck with the diet. I'm sure you look just fine now anyways! I myself, have come into contact with the "freshman 15". I thought it was a college girl myth, or due to the fact that all the eager sluts go on birth control pills, and figured I was safe since I had already been taking them for a few years. I suddenly think all that carefree cheese and bacon, bigmacs and death burritos have placed themselves on my royal kiester. I guess I am being a typical stupid girl. Everyone that I asked about my ass says it looks the same as it did when I was 100lbs. Everyone says i look more womanly now with natural curves. I suppose I looked like a Somalian a few years back. I by no means ever had a prob thinking about weight or anything like that, i was under serious stress in my sophmore year of school. I like to call it the "death diet". The "death diet" is when you lose weight unconsciously because a loved one dies and you are nervous all the time. My mom died in '97. Now I am getting all depressing:P

But anyway, instead of farting around, I am going put that damn ab machine to good use!

Here is a poem for Lio:

Once was a nice guy named Lio,
Went on Jared's "Subway" diet of Cold Cut Trios,
Got frustrated and cried, took a huge crap and almost died,
when he realized the extra weight was a CIA butt-hidden torpedo!

Ok, that was really silly!:) Have a good day!

twistedevil

Hi all! I am a glutton for punishment! I have three jobs now and I am taking summer classes! I do not know why I am doing this, but I finally got some time to write a new little tale.

I had no intentions of mocking the way Chinese people speak in this story, but altered spelling and pronounciation was necessary for the Moral:) Why the hell I am prefacing it? It is indeed stupid as hell!

One morning, Fred awoke feeling great. He went about his daily routine as usual, and then decided to go out to lunch since he finished his chores early. He had been hungry for Chinese food, oddly enough, so he headed to "Wing Wang Win's" to get himself a Pu-Pu platter.

"can i herp you sil?" said Qin, the waiter.

"yes, I would like the Pu-Pu platter please," Fred said eagerly.

"that come light up sil!" replied Qin the waiter.

The hot fresh Pu-Pu platter was served very quickly, and Fred dug right in. Fred perchanced to notice that the sauce was a bit thick and lumpy, but he didn't care, he was starving. He took a rib and dipped it into the lumpy sauce, and took a bite. Suddenly, repulsed, he spit and the rib and sauce and gagged.

"This Pu-Pu platter tastes like shit!" He screamed.

As he yelled, Qin the waiter ran out of the kitchen to see what the problem was. Fred peered into the kitchen as Qin the waiter ran out to see a young Chinese Prostitute laying on her back, sucking dick and pooping furiously into a pan.

"what the hell is that?" Fred yelled angrily as he pointed at the girl.

Ignoring Fred's question, Qin the waiter said, "what is the problem sil?"

Fred said again that his Pu-Pu platter tasted like shit and also asked about the girl in the kitchen.

"oh," Qin the waiter said, "dat is Min, she help make the sauce alound here.

I don't know what da plobrem is, you did ordel da Poo-Poo platter didn't you? and dat is what you got, Poo-Poo!"

Moral: make sure language gapped synonyms are made very clear.

Twistedevil

Well, I know I haven't been around for awhile. I desparately need a fucking vacation. Too bad I have 5 days off until my summer semester starts! I was just elected president of my college's Honor society, which is a great opportunity for scholarships, but the reality of all that work has just set in. Organizing, making calls, trying to get money for the "dork squadron". UGH!

To top off the last dwindleing days of my semester, I have to finish my research paper. The topic???

Female circumcision or female genital mutilation!

Yes, I have been sitting in my room for 2 weeks (while I could've been out riding my motorcycle) reading and writing about how clits are cut off, and labia are burned to bits, and vaginas are sewn shut with thorns.

It is mighty interesting, but horribly disturbing. 15 pages about vaginas. Oh, well. I don't even want to hear how terrible male circumcision is after reading this shit. I am glad I have an intact vagina, and extremely happy I don't live in fucking Sudan!

Here's my take on the whole China fiasco:

Since that dumb fuck Bush isn't thrilled about the economy, he either rigged the china crash, or is trying to take advantage of it to start some kind of altercation with the chinese so our economy goes up, like at war time.

Well, Revelations did say that the world would end with "yellow hords". I am not meaning that in a racist kind of way, nor am i a fundamentalist bible fuckhead, but i thought it was an interesting tidbit.

I say, just apologize to China. They have billions of people who ALL have to serve in the military, so if it comes down to a war, we are all fucked.

But we know the U.S is too damn stubborn to just apologize, so the good old fashion american way would be to apologize with our fingers crossed behind our backs, then turn around, flick them off, then temporarily limit trade.

There you go Georgie you FUCK, that idea will boost your fucking economy.

I don't agree with my last idea, but you all know the Gov. will end up doing something like that.

That is all.

Twistedevil

Hi all, here are a few new stupid stories I wrote. Hope you get a laugh! Thanks Lio for the compliment!

The Scoop on Smegma

Smegma was first discovered by a Caveman?s mate named Yug-Yug while giving a blowjob. The practice of fellatio was new to these primitive creatures, so smegma never was given much thought. As Yug-Yug pulled back the foreskin of her mate, she discover the horrible stench of a creamy, chunky, off-white goop. She screamed! It smelled worse than she did. Mind you that cunnilingus was not in practice yet since women are much more innovative, and men are USUALLY lazy selfish pigs. But anyway, she continued yelling and scraped it off. The stinky goo gathered on her finger. Suddenly after catching another terrible whiff, she flung the rotten ball of smeg. It flew threw the air in a perfect parabolic arch, and landed on a nearby fish that had just been prepared for dinner. Unknowingly, another caveman named Argh picked up the contaminated fish and greedily shoved it in his mouth. "MMM! FISH SO GOOD!" he said . Argh had discovered tarter sauce! It has been enjoyed ever since! Today the smegma is mixed with mayonnaise to make it less potent and unnoticeable to its fans and consumers! Enjoy the rest of Lent you tarter sauce suckling bastards!

The Arf in Barf

It is evident that if you wish, you can scream as loud as you can. This is usually a voluntary action practiced by young teenage girls in the mall or the movie theater. When you vomit, however, an involuntary sounds echoes from the depths of your belly to create a bellowing bark similar to a seal. A good honk starts with that ?weak cheek? feeling, as if you just blew up 500 balloons consecutively. Then you realize you are going to puke. You run to the nearest john (if you get lucky) and the spitting stage has commenced. You stand there just wanting to get it over with, so you try to speed up the process by spitting into the toilet repetitively and think about that turd floater you spy in the toilet to gross you out even more. Suddenly, without warning the first wave hits you. You keel over and a loud super-burp erupts and calls forth. It sounds like this. ?ERRRRRRRRRPPPPP!? Then comes the good part. A hard flowing stream of liquid gold spews violently forth from your mouth and into the pot. It sounds similar to bad diarrhea, but minus the ?ammo? sounds of machine gun farts. The bark introduces itself either between waves of barf or in the middle of a one wave. It is so loud and can be heard from all rooms of the house, or up three blocks if you are outside. It is an uncontrollable sound, and hurts like hell when you make it! It sounds like this. ?ARRRRF! UGGARRRRRF!(liquid sound) ARF, ARF, ARRRRRRRFFFFFFFF! And the barf cycle is complete! It may repeat a few times, but that is the gist of it all!

First of all, I would like to thank Calliander and Pappy for letting me post on this fabulous site.

Sometimes I don't like to be so serious and I'll think about stupid and gross things. Here is a little tale I wrote many moons ago on such a topic.

Sick Thoughts

If women didn't have legs they'd be kinda like a snail. If guys didn't have legs, they'd have to hop along on their "third leg". And what if you had a nose where your genitals should be, and genitals where your nose should be? You could smell your asshole all day long. Wouldn't that be fun? And what if you laughed really hard? You might spray someone with a trickle of pee coming from your dick/cooch face. Now that would be funny! I feel bad for guys during puberty. Everyone would know when you were "excited". Would there be some kind of "pee pee protector" that you would wear on your face, kinda like underwear, but with eye holes instead of leg holes? And talk about face fucking! Geez, I must apologize for elaborating on such a strange topic. Perhaps I should get a new hobby.

Hope you liked it! Here is the new face around here: Twistedevil