ok so ive sat in my room now for a while and listened to the meat puppets too high to die cd three times now and i can not fall asleep. and you know when you lay in bed and you start thinking about stuff that you just shouyldent even be botherd to think about but you do cus your mind is unocupied except for these thoughts that are just sitting there idle waiting for you to let your guard down and infest your head. FFeh!!
1: i am so insacure about so many things, all of which invlove girls. guys i could care less about you piss me off ehh no big deal ill kick your ass. i mean really i fear nothing for the most part, death ahh it comes when its time, men, i dont fear what another man could do to me ive only lost one fight and it was when i was in 6th grade fighting a kid in high school and i think i won that fight just by the fact that i faught it. war? nah you do what you have to do, fammin never happen in out time, but oh god do i have issues with girls.
2:i feel alone, like really alone and i dont know why. im souranded by friends i have a good family and a wonderful girlfriend but all that and i still feel alone. maybe its cus most of the people i call friends arent really around cus there at school far away and cus my girlfriend goes to school really far away, or maybe its just cus im thinking too hard about what being alone is i dont reallyknow but as of this minute right now i feel very very very alone, and ive never really felt like that. in high school i had friends i dident even know i had i was like somebody, now im just another geek off the street.
3: im a failure, now dont think im getting all crazy but lets take a look at my track record. grammer school: awsome athlete played basketball and baseball was kept on teams even with shitty grades cus i was important to there success. high school: frosh: played football, was the first freshman to play varsity ball EVER at the school and was continuing in my somewhat poor grades but still keeping the c averge to continue playing. ok dosent sound to bad right check this out. sophmmore year: change to my local public high school after 9 years of catholic schooling, quit the football team cus the coach pisses me off and wont start me at varsity, find some friends who introduce me to drugs and oh do i take a likeing to them, start my long road to shittyness, bye the end of sophmore year im dealing and making good money but im not happy with the person ive become so i stop....kinda. jounior year: wow can i do any worse than this? im failing like three classes and i bearly go to school, ive started walking to school so i can get high befor class and im leaving school to do the same. man talk about low points. anyways senoir year comes. senior year: i stoped doing drugs(by drugs though this entire rant i mean pot and on rare ocation acid) because one of my friends is arrested and i dont want or need that kind of shit in my life. at the same time another friend of mine is also no longer doing drugs so it becomes a thing for us to talk about and stuff. anyways jounior year i let some of my other "friends" help pick my classes and i end up in like math for retards and home econ for most of the year and im still failing. i graduate high school with get this a 0.067 gpa over all four years!!! ALL FOUR YEARS!!!!!!! I DONT EVEN REALLY KNOW HOW I GOT OUT?!?!?!
so now im in colege and im going into my fourth semester yes thats right fourth semester of being a freshman, and i dident even get accepted into the school im at im still part time cus my gpa isent high enough.
its hard when the things you love seem pointless, im in a band i love music weve been together for a year and were not even close to playing a show or anything. its like i dont even know why i go to pratice anymore excpet that it fills my time for now but i know that when my girlfriend gets back and my friends are around im not going to want to go anymore....meh.
why wont it stop snowing????????? please could spring come? well its now 422 and im not anymore tired thaj i was when this started. oh well maybe ill sleep soon maybe i wont but either way ive said alot tonight>
948 out