Listen, people. It’s the year 2012, almost 2013. The hashtag has overstayed not only its original usage but also its welcome. It is absolutely unacceptable any more to say something anywhere – including on Twitter – and then tag it. I might even go so far as to say that the general idea of tags has come and gone. If you still use hashtags I think your IQ is low, whichever piece of anatomy is most prized for your gender is underwhelming, I’m much more intelligent than you; also, I hope you die. And I’m not going to end this paragraph with one to perhaps intimate that I’m joking. I’m not joking. Go to hell.

If you’ve ever watched the TV show “Arrested Development” then this reference will make sense to you: Hashtags are the effective equivalent of “STEVE HOLT!” Though I understand there is a point to them they are ultimately useless because they are indicative of either (or both) of two things.

1. General laziness and a lack of concern for the conventions of communication.
2. Shitty, douchey, shameless self-promotion.

Aside: If you’ve never watched the TV show “Arrested Development” then you need to remedy that. I don’t believe there’s anyone who doesn’t like the show but just in case, if you don’t like the show, drive off a cliff and do the rest of us a favor you intellectual pedestrian.

Hashtags represent inane, meaningless, throwaway thoughts or observations. There’s absolutely no reason that someone should write something about a baseball game and then consolidate a sentence like: “I really hope the Athletics win this game. Come on, team, let’s really buckle down, get some hits, and win,” into “WOOO! #athletics #alds #scoresomeruns”: Doing that is called being a douchebag. If you do that, you’d best be wearing Ed Hardy, a scumbag hat, and have a chinstrap beard. “Obama’s killing it #debates #democrats #romneysucks” = I hope that person is crossing the street, gets hit by a bus and lives, goes to the hospital to get a blood transfusion, gets AIDS, has several good years where it looks like they’re going to be okay, and then dies in the middle of their daughter’s wedding.

I make the rules. Hashtags: done. So stop it.

The Taliban are a bunch of irrelevant little babies. To prove that point, they made their #1 enemy a 14 year-old girl and then shot her.

They went after a 14 year-old girl. I mean, how useless is your organization that you’re going after a 14 year-old girl?

Then they attacked and shot her. So not only are they a pointless group of thoughtless troglodytes, but they are also a bunch of cowards! They probably have small genitalia, too. I mean, you’d have to be insufficient in the “manhood” area to demonize a 14 year-old girl, let alone go through with the whole process of harming her (and they had the intent to kill).

I hope this little girl gets better soon, because you know what she’s going to do as soon as she can speak? She’s going to forgive them. She’s going to explain that while it was a terrible experience, she’s not going to spread any more hatred.

And that’s what being an adult, a human, and a responsible member of this global society is all about.

The Taliban. LOL.

He’s so Photoshop-able!

 

 

This is like the hottest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

So close.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

 

 

 

 

But not the same. Plus this is a jpeg. But still, close.

 

‘cigar’ <— See what I did there? Oh, I’m so proud of myself.

I didn’t want to comment on the whole queers vs. fast food chain thing but I figure this is a little different from the typical crap you’re hearing on the Facebooks. I don’t particularly care what the owners and operators of a restaurant want to believe, nor do I care where they spend their money: this is America. So I feel the whole thing is a little overblown.

Anyway, there was a huge showing of people in support of Chick Fil-A today, as a sort of retort to a bunch of homos planning to traipse to the restaurants on Friday for a protest. Whether you agree with the whole “pro-family” thing or not, you have to admit that a counter-protest like that is immature. It’s just a fact. In keeping with that, you can be assured that anyone who showed up at a Chick Fil-A today is a useless burden upon society – entitled religious dicks who think that they are going to go to hell because their country doesn’t have a law in the books preventing fags from marrying. People who say asinine things like, “How am I supposed to explain to my child that a man wants to marry a man?”

Huge turnout.

Huge turnout of ignorant people.

Huge turnout of ignorant people who represent everything the terrorists hate about this country.

Where the fuck were the terrorists? I’m non-violent, so I’m not advocating that someone should have organized a coalition to gun down or blow up a Chick Fil-A full of worthless people. By no means am I indicating that I would probably maybe be okay with all of those deaths, despite their being inconsequential wastes of life with throwaway opinions. Nope. Not doing any of that. Especially so close to the tragedy in Colorado.

Chris Rock, in reference to O.J. Simpson, told a joke about a woman spending a man’s fortunes and sleeping with people behind his back and driving his expensive car without asking. The punchline of the joke was, “I’m not saying he should’ve killed the bitch … but I understand.”

I’m not trying to incite violence against the narrow-minded asshats who don’t support gay marriage … but I’d understand.

So a Girl Walks into a Comedy Club…

It’s been a bit since anything happened that I felt was worth bitching about on here. And there’s so much wrong about this that I am delighted to tear this douchebag apart.

It’s pretty much a societal rule that if you heckle a comedian you deserve whatever comes back your way. If I went to see that asshole Nick Di Paolo and shouted at him for saying something racist or conservative, then it’s pretty much his duty to tear me down and make me look like the asshole I am for interrupting his bit. It’s his fucking comedy bit: not Nick Di Paolo featuring stupid commentary from Calliander.

But let’s say you don’t go to comedy shows enough. How would you know not to interrupt the comedian? Oh wait – COMMON FUCKING SENSE tells me that if I’m seeing any kind of performance and I don’t like what I’m seeing then I … GASP … leave! If I buy tickets for a band I really want to see and they just suck, I leave and find a way to get my money back. If I spontaneously decide to go see some unknown band play and it turns out they only cover Journey, well that is my money lost for taking the chance. And that’s what you did, you took a chance:

We saw that Dane Cook, along some other names we didn’t recognize we’re playing, and while we both agree that Cook’s style is not really our taste we were opened-minded about what the others had to offer. And we figured even good ol’ Dane can be funny sometimes, even if it’s not really our thing.

So with those things in mind, let’s go over events here.

So Tosh then starts making some very generalizing, declarative statements about rape jokes always being funny, how can a rape joke not be funny, rape is hilarious, etc. I don’t know why he was so repetitive about it but I felt provoked because I, for one, DON’T find them funny and never have. So I didnt appreciate Daniel Tosh (or anyone!) telling me I should find them funny. So I yelled out, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny!”

You felt provoked because you, for one, DON’T find rape jokes funny. Well, good for you but guess what: if you didn’t appreciate the comedian trying to tell you that you should find the jokes funny, you leave. You don’t yell something out. In the paragraph prior to that you spent so much time making sure that everyone knew you were paying your hard-earned money for this comedy show so you’re really trying to justify being a dickhead instead of acting like a normal person and exiting the show.

I did it because, even though being “disruptive” is against my nature, I felt that sitting there and saying nothing, or leaving quietly, would have been against my values as a person and as a woman. I don’t sit there while someone tells me how I should feel about something as profound and damaging as rape.

No, you did it for the reason I mentioned. This is just further trying to rationalize being disruptive. “Saying nothing, or leaving quietly, would have been against my values as a person and as a woman.” So you’re an asshole, and probably a social conservative, since those are the kind of people who justify their having been a jerk (especially in public) with that kind of phrase.

Now in the lobby, I spoke with the girl at the will-call desk, and demanded to see the manager. The manager on duty quickly came out to speak with me, and she was profusely apologetic, and seemed genuinely sorry about what had happened, but of course we received no refund for our tickets, but instead a comped pair of tickets, although she admitted she understood if we never wanted to come back. I can imagine the Laugh Factory doesn’t really have a policy in place for what happens when a woman has to leave in a hurry because the person onstage is hurling violent words about sexual violence at her. Although maybe I’m not the first girl to have that happen to her.

Hmm. Funny how we are suddenly talking about a refund. So not only did you interrupt the comedian, you spoke to the manager. I think I know what’s going on here!

I should probably add that having to basically flee while Tosh was enthusing about how hilarious it would be if I was gang-raped in that small, claustrophic room was pretty viscerally terrifying and threatening all the same, even if the actual scenario was unlikely to take place. The suggestion of it is violent enough and was meant to put me in my place.

I was right! So here’s what ACTUALLY happened. You couldn’t help yourself and heckled the comedian which, as we’ve discussed, is an asshole thing to do. Then, because you’re such a self-entitled moron, you got all butt-hurt when the comedian rightfully heckled you back. You got what you deserved but because you’re too thin-skinned to take what you dish out, you went and cried to the manager about a refund – even though you admitted it’s your bad for taking the risk on the show! And now Tosh has to issue an apology to you because a bunch of other entitled asshats re-blogged your whiny, self-indulgent missive? Could you get any more cloying: “gang-raped in that small, claustrophobic room was pretty viscerally terrifying.” It’s none of those things, but since you feel like such a special snowflake, all the other ones will rally around you. The worst part about all this is what I italicized in the quoted text: you totally know you were in the wrong and you realized he was trying to get you back for fucking with his set. So that means you’re just being vindictive. At least Tosh was trying to be funny, even if you don’t think he succeeded.

Don’t take me for a Tosh.0 fan – his show has some funny points but it’s completely uninspired. His comedy performances turn me off in the same way as Adam Sandler movies – the, “LOOK, LAUGH AT THIS, IT’S FUNNY! I’M TRYING SO HARD TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!”

So Lio and I have been tossing around the idea of an Insult.org podcast. The premise would be pretty much along the same lines as the site – talk about controversial shit and piss people off. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. Two set hosts (most likely Lio and myself) and then frequent contributors.
2. An area on the site for angry listeners to post their phone numbers and have us call them to argue.
3. 30-45 minutes and probably one or two topics each episode.

What do you guys think?

Nice to know that I’m smarter than 61% of people in North Carolina.

Tonight marks the first real D&D campaign in years. Here’s another recent picture of that hot girl I banged back in California. Huzzah!

 

 

 

 

 

That hot chick from Wallingford who moved to fucking Nebraska.

And the girl from Cromwell: