OAKLAND, CA (Reuters) -- It was a sad day today in the retail market for consumer mouthwashes as product giant, Listerene, decided to pull the plug on its "original" flavor. The announcement came after a three-month long decline in the mouthwash company's shares and a press statement a few days ago pertaining to the status of the Warner-Lambert branch in the highly competitive market.
Spokesmen for the company said that market research and analysis by experts in the field have pointed to a major loss of profits among the brand's three flavors: Original, Cool Mint and Winter Mint - most significantly in the area of the "original." Said John Morris, one of Listerene's top public relations officers, "It's sad that we have to discontinue the line. However, research has already begun on a new flavor to replace the old one, and we are confident that whatever flavor R&D comes up with will be an instant hit."
Morris attributes the "original" decline to, "a lack of manhood. Quite simply, most men are too wussy to handle the original flavor these days." While critics will disagree, the evidence seems to point to this. Of seven surveys conducted by various agencies, all proved that when posed the question, "Why don't you use original Listerene?" ninety percent of consumers asked replied that it was too strong for them. Of the other ten percent, eight said that they don't use Listerene at all. The remaining two percent were unsure.
The most startling of all evidence comes from the N.F.O. (National Family Opinion) Poll. The question asked was, "What would you say your favorite flavor of Listerene is?" The most frequent reply was, "Scope."
Again, Morris blames this trend on the lack of manhood in today's culture. "I am confident that if parents were to begin teaching pride in strength and endurance again, people would have room in their hearts for good old original."
On a related note, Warner-Lambert spokesmen said that they'd never heard of a public relations officer by the name of John Morris in their Listerene division.