On a day that holds so much promise for me, it figures that this would happen... We have been too tolerant with this islamic fundamentalist pig fuckers. We didn't get the clue in '93 during the first world trade center bombing that these motherfuckers were dangerous. We let them get away with the murder of hundreds. Today, we lost hundreds of people, perhaps thousands. The souls of the dead scream for vengeance.

And do you know what the worst part is? We can't do shit about it. Say what you will about Japan's sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, at least they had the honor to take immediate responsibility. At least they were a target we could direct our wrath at. What country do we strike? Not all of Palestine are islamic fundamentalists. These people do not represent any firm country. These chickenshits can run around "Declaring acts of war". Yeah, big fucking deal! It's not a war if only one side can attack. There is nowhere for us to direct a counter attack. This is why I encourage Americans everywhere to take matters into their own hands. Devote some time and some resources to track down whoever is responsible for this travesty and make him pay dearly. This is a time to kill.

Hey folks, How are ya? I'm nearing the end of my first week back to school, and already it feels like it's flying by. Anyway, I had a wonderful time at home, especially the party. I was shocked that nothing catasrophic happened. Yeah, that was a good time. I saw my friends, got drunk, and despite Wilson's urging a girl I was hitting on to "let [Lio] hit it from the back", my after party didn't suck either.

So, what's new in LioLand? Not much. My roommates are cool, one of them reminds me of this guy Glenn I used to hang with, which is odd, but cool. Other than that school sucks, this place sucks, and I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

Anyway, So... I was thinking, would anyone be interested in a Halloween party? I'd like throw one, but I don't know if we'd have enough people around at that time, but I'd like to get everyone there and chill with some fine booze... anyone game?

Till All Are One...

LioConvoy Out...

Levres... you're talking to a wall when saying Calliander should hook up with vuluptous girls. Calliander is a man who watches those "Feed the Children" commercials and says "Holy Crap... that chick is so thin she doesn't have the energy to blink when a fly crawls on her eyeball! THAT'S HAWT!" I never had a problem with bigger girls... hell, in some cases it makes them better looking. Demon Queen was pretty cute, then she gained 50 lbs. and she was much hotter. Mind you that fifty pounds went straight to her ass and boobs, so I wasn't complaining.

Hehe... but I digress. I don't think that I can't get women. My problem is 90% mental. My mom sort of fucked my head up when I was growing up. She was constantly on my ass to lose weight. I thought no one would be able to love me if I didn't lose the weight. Now that I have, I can see that it's bullshit. I saw more action in the time that I was 320 lbs. than now when I'm a hot son of a bitch. My problem is confidence. I may have lost the weight, But in the back of my head I'm still that frightened 11 year old who would cry himself to sleep at nights worrying that he'd die alone just because he couldn't lose the weight no matter how hard he tried. I'm still that same child whose parents made him diet from the age of 9.

See, I'm thinner than I used to be, but I'm no Abercrombie model. So that still gives me reason to believe that no girl could ever like me because of my weight. Logically, I know this is bullshit. I've seen assholes a lot fatter than me pick up hot girls. I can see that girls like me. But I can't act on it. I always second guess myself. I get so frightened I can't think.

Not only this, but for the past 6 years I have been madly in love with either the Demon Queen or Red. My love for Demon Queen ended years ago, and the fiasco that was my relationship with Red reached it's ultimate conclusion a few weeks ago. Even though I wasn't always in a relationship with these girls, the fact that I was still close to them was enough like the emotional end of a relationship for me to not feel the need to get a girlfriend. See, I didn't need to risk getting hurt by a new girl, because I had a close female friend that supplied me with enough emotional feed back to satisfy me. But now, my relationship with both seems to be extinguished. Red and I luckily are still on good terms, but now that all things are known, we cannot have the friendship we once had. But this may be a blessing in disguise.

I no longer have any really close female friends (except for Verde, but I only get to hang with her when I'm home.). This may force me to be more outgoing in my pursuit for women. For, in the immortal words of the comic book superhero, Daredevil, "man with nothing to lose, is a man without fear"

Heh... Ain't this always the way... yer trying to make a change in your life, trying to better yourself... and something from yer old life comes back to smack ya on the ass. I refer of course to my fling with Red. Some of you have been asking for the full story. I have not been exactly forthcoming, due to the length of it. Now I'll spill it.

Since this took place in a time in my life where not all of you have all the facts, I'll give the FULL story, this is gonna be a long one. So, for the uninitiated, the story goes like this. I was really good friends with Red's boyfriend, I'll call him... Speare. I met Speare in the drama club, when we were freshmen. We found that we were exactly similar in all ways but physically. He had a freaky obsession with comics, I had a freaky obsession with comics. He loved White Wolf roleplaying games, I loved White Wolf roleplaying games. Everything I was passionate about, he was passionate about... Ironically, that would come back to bite me on the ass.

The day we met, he introduced me to his girlfriend... Red. I was suckered in from the beginning. She had a quiet demeanor, and eyes that just seemed to smile at me. Her hair was the color of firey copper, and she had well defined jaw that that spoke of strong character (don't ask me why, i have a thing about jawlines, I only recently got one this past march). I fell. I fell hard.

But it was cool... I could stand back. I could hide my feelings. I could press my feelings down into a tiny pit in my stomach just like I had numerous times before. This wasn't the first time I'd felt this way about a friend's girlfriend. I think we all remember my infatuation with Thingie. Ah well, whatever Speare was a friend, but not a close one... yet.

Up until this time, I'd been somewhat depressed... I was stuck in Skook, and I'd had no friends... Spo and Calliander can attest to how desolate this shithole was, But it was home to Red and Speare, and they took me in. We quickly became very close, spending our nights drinking gallons of coffee in the dingy diners of Skook. We were like a small family, with Red and Speare being the parents, and me being the large demented child. It was a good time in my life. I was finally adjusting to my school. I didn't miss my friends as much (Remember that last night in CT, Spo and Calliander? I felt that way for a month until they took me in) I was finally settling in.

And then something changed. Red's father pulled some strings and managed to get her into the main campus in our second semester. Around this time I discovered ICQ, so I was able to talk to Red over the computer. Speare was somewhat of a luddite, and didn't do the whole Icq thing. Whatever. Things weren't going well. Red was very depressed. She missed Speare, she missed me, she missed everything. She was just so unhappy. We would talk for hours on end. She'd talk about how Speare pissed her off, I'd tell her how Demon Queen pissed me off. We became very close.

Speare wasn't faring much better, but he held his sadness on the inside. I couldn't tell. Since Red wasn't around, and all of Speare's friends went off to school, Speare and I hung out all the time. But Speare wasn't going to classes... I didn't care, he'd pass... I guessed.

The end of that year kinda felt like the end of Empire Strikes Back, very dark and foreboding, but with much more story left to happen. I was right. Over the summer I felt much better about the upcoming year. Red was coming back to Skook... it was gonna be like old times again! Boy was i fucking wrong. Something was different. Red was still depressed, even though she was home, with Speare. Speare was acting like a total asshole. He'd decided to take a semester off. Take some time to work on his writing, do some work to get cash for college. Understandable. What wasn't understandable was how he was treating Red and I. He completely abandoned us. When he wasn't working, he was studying, or writing, or researching comics (what he hoped to write). He had no time for us.

Speare's assholism couldn't have come at a worse time. Red and I were getting very close. She even took me to see Tori Amos, something I'd only done previously with Bleaker, and one other person. For those of you who know my fanaticism for Tori, know that that is an experience that I don't share lightly. Since Speare had abandoned us both, we spent almost all of our free time together. Things, couldn't have happened in a worse way. She was in dire need of companionship, I was head over heels in love with her. Bad, bad situation. But it was ok. I would stay neutral, between my love for Red, and my friendship with Speare. I am balance, I am the fulcrum. heh...

The next month or so was interesting. Speare had always sort of known I had a thing for Red, but he'd never known just HOW deep that was. Red eventually found out during one of our many conversations over ICQ. She was cool with it, and we remained friends... surprising, it's usually that point in a relationship where the girl shitcans me. Balance Lio, Balance.

And then came the day I had dreaded for a long time... the day the scales got tipped. Speare and Red got in one of their numerous fights. It seems that Red was upset that Speare would be unable to acompany Her and I in an apartment search at the main campus for the next year. During that fight, Speare made a comment that should have stayed between him and Red. Speare made a comment that completly mocked and belittled my dire struggle to keep my feelings in check. Speare destroyed our friendship. That night, Red came home and ICQ'd me and told me about what he said. She should've kept it to herself.

The gloves were off. The gauntlet was thrown. That night I swore to myself that if the chance for happieness with Red ever presented itself, I would take it and never look back. I would still not pursue Red... but if situations ever aligned themselves in the correct way... ah well, whatever, that was never gonna happen, right? Wrong.

Two weeks after I'd made my vow, the stars aligned and a situation presented itself. I took it with reckless abandon. Screw it. Ya know? Every girl I'd ever liked since I was 9 has done nothing but tear my heart out in the end. WHEN DO I GET TO BE HAPPY?!?! I wasn't going to let a little thing like a former friend stand in the way of my happieness. Besides, this wasn't all my fault. Maybe if Speare had paid more attention to Red, she wouldn't have let this happened, maybe she would have told me to go fuck myself. Maybe she would have told me to cool down. Maybe she would have said "no". That's all it would have taken, two simple little letters. Maybe if Speare had not repeatedly told Red TO HER FACE that she would ALWAYS come #2 to his writing, this wouldn't have happened. But that isn't how it happened. Screw it... Fuck maybe, this was real life, and I was going to convince Red that I was the better boyfriend. If I just loved her enough, took her out enough, paid enough attention to her... maybe she would be mine.

It was during this time that Speare dropped a bomb on me. The reason he was ignoring us was because during Red's time away at the main campus, he had failed out of school. He was working so hard to prepare himself to go back to school and bring his GPA back up. This was a funny little fact that Red neglected to tell me. A fact that, while it may or may not have kept me from Red, it definately would have been a fact that I would have pondered thoroughly had I known. Ok, whatever. He had a good excuse for ignoring us. But he still had NO excuse for treating Red the way he did. He was an inferior boyfriend, and I was going to gain my heart's desire.

It was shortly after this period that Red ended our affair. I couldn't believe it. I lost her. I lost her to a man that ignores her. I lost her to a man who mistreats her. I lost her to a man who barely showed her any affection. This was a crushing blow. What's wrong with me? Am I so bad that a girl would choose a man that treats her like the filth under his nails, over me? I lost her to the better man I guess... the better, thinner man...

Things changed. Red and I were not talking as frequently on ICQ. I felt her friendship slipping away. Something changed in me, where once my heart was consumed by desire for Red, it started to turn black and fill with bile. I was just angry all the time. Angry that I could no longer be with Red. Angry that Speare was with her, and still treating her like shit. Angry at the whole damn situation. I wrestled daily with the idea of getting vengeance and telling Speare, Red saw this, and it scared the shit out of her.

this was pretty much the theme of our friendship during the next year. We were at the main campus now, and Speare was not with us. I still wanted Red, and in the back of my head there always existed the hope that we would rekindle something, but such was not to be. But time was passing, wounds were healing. I gave Red my word that no matter how mad I got, I would never tell. I was slightly getting over things, I even managed to get a crush on Red's roommate. But something else miraculous was happening... My relationship with Speare was getting better. After a year apart I was able to look at him with a minimum of contempt in my heart. Now, mind you, I wasn't completly hate free. Occasionally I'd hear Speare say something that would drive me insane, or I'd get occasional lusts for vengeance on them both, but for the most part things were getting better. He moved up here over the summer, and things were getting better between us. Until one fateful night two weeks ago.

A bunch of us went out and things happened... long story short, I got accused of trying to instigate shit between Red and Speare. They left, and I sat in the bar FUMING. HAH! Starting shit! That's a laugh. IF I were trying to start shit I wouldn't have bothered with the piddly shit they were accusing me of... Give me some fucking credit. No... If I were trying to start shit, I'D DROP THE FUCKING BOMB! I started to think to myself "that might not be such a bad idea..." I just sat back and said... Whoa. I was starting to scare myself. That's what really started that whole "When did I become so fucking evil?" line of self questioning. That night is what led me to decide to settle all the disputes in my life. I'd decided to make amends with all things causing anger in my life right now. I didn't know exactly how I was going to do that with Red and Speare... but I'd figure it out. Well, I just found out the other night, after Red and Speare left the bar, Red told him about us. She was tired of living in fear that I might tell him. Smart girl. To be honest... I'm glad she told him. Not for any bullshit evil plan I have... fuck that. No, because Speare needed to know. Because I was tired of Red being afraid of me. Because maybe now we can open the paths to communication. Start again, with complete honesty and try to heal the sins of the past. Or maybe... well, I don't want think about that.

Hey folks... Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday, I get kind of lonely down here, and that sort of thing means a lot to me. To answer your question Peps, I will be returning on August 4th, Thanks to Devl0r who has agreed to come pick me up. I'll be back home for 2 weeks before coming back to this shit hole... such is life.

Did ya ever get one of those nights where you just take a step back and look at your life, and wonder how you went from one point to the other? For the past few days I've been reflecting on that. My birthday is coming up on Monday, and every year around this time i start getting introspective, and one question is bothering me... When did I become so mean spirited?

Since I'm away from my family (i.e. you guys) for so much time, you don't see half the shit I do or think or act, and I fear when I come home, you guys won't like what you see. I mean I've done some pretty nasty shit. I cheated on a good friend with his girlfriend. Then... just because she decided she loved him too much to continue the fling, I've been holding it over her head for the past year. I constantly try and gain her trust, but to be honest, I don't even trust myself. Sometimes I get so mad that I might one day just decide to drop the bomb... tell him, and destroy them both. I don't like the fact that I think like that... but every once in a while my mind wanders into a dark place. Is this even right? I mean, granted, she made a stupid mistake that would kill the one she professes to love. Granted, she got me involved and broke my heart. But she is human, and she has never been purposefully cruel to me. In fact, she has never been anything but a wonderful friend to me. Hell, she even saved my life on one occasion. But something in me just wants to drop the bomb and break her...

I wouldn't be so worried if this need to hurt were an isolated incident. But it isn't. We all know of my sick obsession with the Demon Queen. But there's more. Last summer I fixed up one of my friends and a roommate of mine. She really liked him, and he probably fancied her. A few months go by and a problem occurs, I develop a passing infatuation with this girl. She was a sweet heart and my roommate was an abercrombie wearing frat-wannabe fuck, I had to intervene. So, I provoked a spat... then I advised her what to do... that led to the destruction of their relationship. I did this, just because of a passing crush! The worst part was that, sure... I created their relationship, I destroyed their relationship, but I could not make her feel the same way about me that I felt about her. No amount of manipulation could do that. A promising relationship ruined, just because I didn't like it.

All these things are bad, but it all pales in comparison to my worst crime. Last summer I was trying to gain the affections of a girl, I'll call her... Verde. Now, I was hoping to aim for a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and I honestly thought I could achieve that with verde, I even cooked my sauce to try to impress her. But, SpoDudez0r came along and put the kibosh on those plans. I should have let it slide... bros before hos, ya know? But did I, no. What did I do? I hunted for, and found all the contact infromation I could find on his old girlfriend, who hurt him very badly. When they broke up, it nearly cost Spo and I our friendship, and I was prepared to open up that can of worms, just to get back for a silly slight. Luckily, I didn't use that info. This however is the worst of my malicious attacks though. All of the people mantioned were either acquaintances, or at the most good friends. SpoDudez0r is family. And for that I am truly sorry.

Have any of you noticed a point where I became particularly bitter? Have I always been this vidictive? Am I just noticing this now?

Well, it's no secret that the only reason I am still a virgin at 22 is that I always blow my chances with girls. Well, last night was another one of these circumstances. I was bar hopping with Red and her boyfriend when this chick started talking to us. As time went on she eventually was all over me. Leaning over me, touching my thigh, laughing at every stupid thing I said (I say a lot of stupid shit around girls). We spoke of our mutual love of booze and porno... it was all good, until she told me she was moving in 11 days to go to law school. So, she leaves the bar and I chickened out of getting her number. But she did tell me what bar she was going to. Before leaving, Red promised this girl the cherry from her next drink, but the girl left before Red could order another one. So Red gave me the idea that we should take some cherries to the bar where this girl was going to be, then I could get her number. So, I did it, she was impressed, and I asked for her number... She said "It's only good for 11 days" I came back with the very lame response "That's a whole 11 days" totally corny, but she gave me the number. Now I'm to petrified to call... dammit... I suck.

Hey folks... it's been a while since I last posted, and when I did I sounded fairly psychotic, so I've decided to post. So, what's new in my corner? Well, I started my job at the dining commons, so I'm not hurting for cash anymore, so that's kinda sweet. But I have no time. Weekdays I'm gone from 8 am to 9pm going to classes and after that work. On Saturday I participate in 2 roleplaying games, one after the other. Sundays I get off every other week... hehe... I'm so busy. What else... Oh yeah I started spanish 3 last week. I wanted to start in spanish 2, but they kicked my ass out of the class because i had 5+ years of spanish... fuckers. Oh, and if my life isn't already fantastic... I have 3 papers due on friday... HAHAHAH! ah well... such is life.

Bean's moving back?!?!? What about blood... what, huh... WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT SUCKS!!?!? WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE AND THEY DON'T LOVE YOU BACK!!! LIKE IF A CHICK HAS A LOSER BOYFRIEND WHO ALWAYS PUTS SHAKESPEARE, AN ASSHOLE WHO'S BEEN DEAD FOR 500 YEARS, IN FRONT OF HER. SO YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH SAID CHICK. AND PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU IT'S IMMORAL, AND DIRTY. FUCK THEM, WHAT'S IMMORAL AND DIRTY IS THAT THIS DICKHEAD HAS A GIRLFRIEND IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU KNOW BETTER RIGHT? YOU CAN PUT THIS GIRL FIRST AND SHOW HER HOW WONDERFUL SHE IS! AND IF YOU ARE THERE FOR HER ENOUGH, AND SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY SHE HAS TO LOVE YOU, RIGHT!?!?!? WRONG, AFTER SHE DECIDES THAT SHE CAN'T CONTINUE THE AFFAIR, YOU ARE REDUCED BACK TO DICKLESS FRIEND STATUS! AND SO YOU GO A LITTLE FAR TRYING TO SCARE HER OUT THE RELATIONSHIP! IT'S OK, BECAUSE YOU WERE JUSTIFIED IN DOING IT... IT WAS FOR HER GOOD. SO NOW SHE DOESN'T TRUST YOU WORTH A DAMN BECAUSE SHE'S AFFRAID YOU'RE GONNA SPILL HER DEEPEST SECRETS. SLOWLY BUT SURELY YOU GAIN HER TRUST BACK, PRETENDING TO BE JUST A FRIEND, WHEN REALLY ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS LOVE HER. YOU WEAR THE MASK OF A NORMAL GUY WELL. MEANWHILE YOU TRY AND DO ANYTHING TO GET HER BACK, YOU EVEN GO AS FAR AS TO LOSE 80 LBS. IN HOPES OF IMPRESSING HER. BUT SHE DOESN'T NOTICE. SHE DOESN'T CARE. YOU'RE LOSING THE BATTLE FOR HER HEART AND YOU CAN'T DO SHIT TO STOP IT. THEN HER BOYFRIEND MOVES IN WITH HER. YOU HAVE TO PUT ON ANOTHER MASK. THE MASK OF FRIEND. BECAUSE ONCE THIS MAN WAS YOUR FRIEND. ONCE HE SAVED YOU FROM A VERY LONELY PLACE. ONCE... BEFORE HE SHATTERED YOUR ATTEMPTS TO HIDE YOUR FEELINGS FOR HIS GIRLFRIEND. YOU HAVE TO WEAR THIS MASK BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT HER TO FEEL THE PAIN OF GUILT IN HER HEART. BECAUSE YOU REALIZE HOW MANY LIVES WOULD BE RUINED IF YOU LET YOUR TRUE FEELINGS BE KNOWN. YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE AND LISTEN TO HIS PRETENTIOUS RAMBLINGS ABOUT SHAKESPEARE WITH A SHIT EATING GRIN ON YOUR FACE PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED, ALL THE WHILE THINKING "THIS IS THE ASSHOLE WHO'S FUCKING THE WOMAN I LOVE?", AND WONDERING IF THERE IS ANY JUSTICE IN THE WORLD.