Not sure who the Phil is who wrote this, but it's funny, nonetheless.
Picking up chicks.... a Darwin study.
I've encountered many subjects in the course of my studies here at NTU, and I like to think I've met those challenges with wit and aplomb. I repeat, I like to think that. I admit some subjects were more difficult than most, particularly those subjects you don't go to class for, such as socialisation and hygiene. And no nuts were tougher to crack than the nuts of women. (but you do biology so you probably know that women dont have nuts- males do... you do know that don't you?)
So if you're like me (and I know you are) sometimes you need a little help with these sorts of things. That's what I'm here for, friends. By applying the basic problem solving techniques I've learned in my physics and mathematics courses along with the... whatever the hell I've learned from my humanities courses, I believe I've come up with some foolish, er, fool-proof methods. And here I impart my wisdom.
First things first, you must find a woman. This can be more difficult than it first appears. However, I believe I have discovered the perfect place to find women: the Women's toilet. This works well for a variety of reasons. 1. Only women use the Ladies' Room, (Uh, well except for you. And anyone else who's reading this letter. Yeah, just you then.) so there is much less competition from other men. 2. Women go to the bathroom in groups, so if one girl says no, you can immediately turn to her next-most attractive friend. 3. Women's toilets are just plain nicer than men's toilets.
Now that you have found a woman, you no doubt are wondering what to say. While just staring with your mouth open does have a certain creepy charm, it would be best to proceed with conversation. You're in luck, since standing in a women's toilet is a perfect opening for conversation. In fact, in this case the woman will probably speak to you first with something along the lines of, "What the @#$@#% are you doing in here?" From there you can move onto such small talk as sex, politics, and religion. This part is all you, buddy.
The Approach: After some polite conversation (and after you've washed the mace out of your eyes) you get to offer the woman a chance to completely crush your entire sense of self-worth. As for the actual asking out, here are some of the various approaches I've come up with so far.
The Commanding Approach: "Hi. We're having coffee. You'll take two sugars."
The Pathetic Approach: "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please go out with me. Please. I'll pay you."
The Stalker Approach: "Say, I tapped your phone line last night and couldn't help but overhear that you don't have any plans this weekend..."
The Put Down Approach: "Holy Crap, you're ugly! You better take my pity if you ever desire to experience tolerance."
The Solicitation Approach: "So...are you a cop?"
The Philosophical Approach: "Can I ask you a philosophical question? If a tree falls in the woods, will you go out with me?"
The Too Honest Approach: "You make me walk funny."
The Limerick Approach: "I noticed you walking about, /I was probably staring, no doubt. /I'll take you to dinner, /The place a real winner, /Just as long as you put out."
and my fav:
Complimentary Approach: "Excuse me, but I have to say you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I've watched a lot of porn."
Use any one of those and you'll be as smooth as a baby's buttocks (before it has crapped itself- or just after, when it has been wiped!).
The Woo: Eventually, by pure random chance, you should find a woman with the right combination of looks, personality, intelligence, low standards, and myopia who will say to you those magic words, "Oh, OK, I guess." You must now woo this poor sap of a girl before she realizes what she's done. To be honest, I've never gotten this far, so your guess is as good as mine. But given the quality of my guesses about women so far, if your guess is indeed as good as mine then you're going to be just fine. Or you might get some sort of fine. Eh, close enough.
So I hope this has enlightened you somewhat
(Now, think about this for a moment. There. Did you do it? No? OK, try again; really work on it this time.)
Phil
Knaa'mean?