Here it is, some of you have been waiting for this, waiting to see what my official statment is. Well, I did a lot of thinking the other night, and was going to change the direction of this particular rant. But a phone call prompted me to go full steam ahead with my original complaint(s). This is going to be a LONG rant.
If you have AOL Instant Messenger, turn the random chat funtion OFF. Your life will be much better, believe me. Let me preface this with my acception of fault as well in this situation. In some respects, I knew what I was getting into, in many respects, I wasn't. So let's begin.
Last week, I was typing my Philosophy paper, when an IM window popped up in front of me, asking me if I wanted to chat. I grumbled and typed a small greeting, and got back to my typing. I left long, long delays in between my responses to try and get the person on other end to get the idea that I wasn't particularly interested in chatting. So the 'conversation' was going stupidly, as they always do right before they end. Then, without warning, the female on the other end said that she liked sex. As a guy, my ears perked up, and (this is one of the parts I take blame for) suddenly I was involved in the chat. We chatted for a bit more, she kept making poorly disguised sexual innuendos, we chatted the next day, and the next, and one night she said that she was extremely, um, randy, shall we say, and that she wanted me to come to see her. (She lives in Bristol) Now being a benevolent man, I didnt shy away from helping another human being, again, my fault. So I told her that I would come see her on Sunday, yesterday, and then I went to bed. The next day, when we were chatting, she told me that she was afraid I would be disappointed with her. When I inquired as to why she thought that, she wouldn't give a concrete answer, and I finally pushed her to tell me that she was overweight. This didn't immediately throw me, I know a lot of girls who think that they're overweight, but, in fact, are not. So I told her not to worry, that I'm sure I wouldn't be disappointed. Boy, was I wrong. Then she tells me that she has red hair and long legs, which makes me feel better.
Long story short, I meet her at the Brass Mills Mall in Waterbury, I figure it's a good place, with it being a well lit public place and all...and as I'm sitting on the bench, this giant shadow falls over me, and I look up to see this behemoth looking down at me, grinning. I can already smell her. She smells like cigars. So I stand up, and I'm looking right at her giant face. She's as tall as I am. (6'2") And much, much thicker. As you can imagine, it was all downhill from there.
She was big, as tall as me and wider, and wasn't pretty. You know how you can look at an overweight person, but still be able to say that they're handsome of pretty? Well, she wasn't. I know it sounds mean, but...I'll get to that.
So, I paste a fake smile on, shake her hand (you'd think someone that size would at least have a firm handshake, wrong again) and we walk over to the theatre line. I came out there under the pretense of seeing a movie with this girl; I figured that even if she was hideous, at least I'd be in a darkened room watching a good movie. Again, I was to be proven wrong. She told me that there wasn't anything playing that she wanted to see. I groaned, and told her that I would be glad to pay for her ticket. No, she says, she doesn't want to see anything there. Now I'm mad, for a bunch of reasons. I drove to Waterbury, to meet this girl and see a movie, and both of those trains derailed into the river. But, I figured, I still had one more card to play. I'll get to that in a minute. So we take a tour of the mall. How interesting, another mall, just like EVERY OTHER ONE I've ever been in. Lots of stores, lots of people, and food court. And it being the Holidays, it was fucking packed, and she was having a hard time maneuvering, literally. I could hear her panting behind me, and then she just stopped and sat down, breathing rather heavily. Great. So now we're sitting there, I'nm staring at my shoes, wondering when this nightmare is going to end, and she asks me what I want to do. I say, gee, I wanted to see a movie, but you didn't, even though that's what you told me we were going to do. So you tell me, I'll do anything you want me to do. I dont know, she says, whatever you want to do I'll do. No no no no no...we are NOT going to play this 8th grade shit game, you cancelled the movie, so PICK something to do. It's a mall, there's a lot here. Just pick something. But she won't. Not only that, she tells me I HAVE to pick something, or we're just going to sit there. Bullshit, I'm thinking, YOU can sit here, but if that's all you can say, I'm gone. But I still had that trump card in my back pocket, one that I knew would work. So I figured the time was right to play it. I looked at my watch, and it was five o'clock, so I asked her if she wanted to eat. No, she said. She only eats once a day, and she already ate today. Now, there's a few things wrong with what just happened, so I'll start at the beginnning. She only eats once a day? That's a lie, unless she just started ten minutes ago. Secondly, if she does eat once a day, it has to be like an alligator eating a zebra and digesting the motherfucker for a month.
Grand. So now I'm sitting there, once again looking at my shoes, wondering if I'm ever going to leave. Meanwhile, she acts like nothing is wrong. There's a stupid grin plastered on that gigantic gourd of hers. Then, her friends show up. Just as ugly. They're wondering why we're not doing anything. That's a good question, you'd better ask Jabba here next to me. Why don't you see a movie, she says. I don't want to, says the large one. Why don't you get somthing to eat? I already ate today, says the large one. Boy, says her friend, you're being a really bad date. Tell me about it. She doesn't say anything to that. So they leave, and we're just staring at the wall again. Fuck it, I think to myself. Is there a coffee place here, I ask? Yes, she says, but I don't want any coffee. Well, bitch, I wasn't asking for you. So I get up, say I'm going to get a cup, praying that she won't get up. I start to walk away, and I hear the a grunt, like when Magnus Ver Magnusson throws a telephone pole into the air during the World's Strongest Man competition. Great, she's coming. So I'm walking to the coffee place, and she can barely keep up. Meh. I pay too much for a shitty cup of coffee, and she's still tagging alone, asking me what we're going to do. And all the while, she won't shut up about thes poorly masked sexual innuendos, which are making me sick. She keeps telling me that she's going to kidnap N'Sync, and tie them up and have her way with them. Just try to imagine a woman who looks and smells like an ugly man saying that about a teen idol group. Just go ahead and try.
So we're walking now, back towards the end of the mall where I'm parked. We get to the end, and I tell her that I'm going now. Oh, okay, she says. Bye. Bye, I said, and shook her head. Then I ran back to my truck. Oh God...such a nice truck...I was never so happy to be in it. I started it and flew back to the highway, and never was I so glad to see the traffic on I-84. And that was it.
So I'm home now, feeling much better. The next day, I work, as usual. I come home wat my dinner, take a shower and start to forget about yesterday's nightmare. I start to get dressed, when the phone rings. And who is it? Why, it's her! The air turns blue. I can't believe that she called me. I pick up the phone, and I will recount the conversation, verbatim, to you:
Me: Hey.
TRMOP:Hi.
Me: What's up?
TRMOP: Nothing.
(silence)
Me: So...what's going on?
TRMOP: Nothing.
(more silence)
Me: How come you called?
TRMOP: I just wanted to apologize for yesterday.
Me: Okay...
(even more uncomfortable silence)
Me: Okay, well, I'll be online later. I'll talk to you then.
TRMOP: When is later?
Me: I dunno...when I get back from my friend's house.
(silence)
Me: Okay?
TRMOP: What time is that?
Me: I don't know, when I get back, I'll be online.
TRMOP: Okay, but if I'm not online, page me so I'll know to come to the computer.
Me: Sure. Bye
TRMOP: Okay. Bye
Gah!!! What is she, my mother now? I'm NOT paging her when I get back, so I can sit at my computer waiting, hoping that she'll say something, anything. And, she called again today while I was at a meeting at school, and wants me to call her. Like I'm going to call Bristol to sit like a dope with a phone on my ear waiting for her to say something. What have I gotten into?
Now, the part about me being a mean, heartless asshole. I'm not. All of us would have done the same thing. And the truth be told, her size has little to do with the fact that I don't like her. She might have a personality, but I don't know that, because she doesn't SAY anything. I have to be able to talk to a person, to have a conversation with them. I haven't yet with this girl, and I don't think I ever will. And about the looks thing, all of you who say that looks don't mean that much are lying to yourselves. Looks matter, a lot, especially in a romantic relationship. If you're in a relationship long enough, your body is eventually going to tell you that you want to have sex with that person. It's natural. And if you're in a relationship with someone who you're not pyhsically attracted to, the sex will suck, and the relationship will die. That person turns into a friend, and you go look for someone you ARE attracted to. It's important, and I'm not being superficial. Sure, what's on the inside counts for a LOT, so does what's on the outside. That's just the way it is.