Well, I've been driving for nearly a month now. Roving about, having solo adventures, existing outside of a group entity. And I've come to one solitary decision I've come to. The world outside of my basement is warped, bizarre and twisted. So, without further ado, I'd like to share with you my list of the top five weirdest things I've seen since I've gained my new found independence.
5. Going to Stop and Shop at the wee hours of the morning - Man, this place is creepy long about 2-3 am. It's like something out of a bad Romero movie. It's all dark and shady. Boxes strewn about the place. As a nocturnal creature that shouldn't bother me, but seeing a place that is that large and bussling during the day become a dark ghost town at night is just uncomforting.
4. People watching at Wal-mart - Since getting wheels, I've become wal-mart trash... The place has everything: DVD's, cheap junk food, action figures... Basically everything I need to live. I may be wal-mart trash, but in my increased time there, I've seen some REAL scummy people. I mean, damn, these people must be missing some freakin' chromosomes or something.
3. Being encouraged to join a Manage a Trois where the boob to penis ratio was not in my favor - One night after cruising for skanks at a local bar, a friend and I went home with some girls. Later in the evening my friend said and I quote: "I think the fat one is taken, but I'm pretty sure we could tag team the hot one." To which I calmly answered "Nah man, I'm straight."
2. Seeing a man light his face on fire - Once again, As all good, strange events start - I was at a bar last friday with some friends. There was this crazy looking bastard in the corner playing video golf. He just had a crazed look in his eye. His head was shaved shiny bald exposing a MASSIVE scar on his head, and a thick beard. Picture Woolly Willy hopped up on nyquil and amphetimenes. Well, anyway, the guy walks up to the bar, takes a shot of some flaming liquid, and then whips his shirt off and starts putting his face out. Apparently the flames lit this crazy bastard's beard on fire, as well as burning his innards because this Rhodes Scholar didn't put his shot out before drinking it. The cops showed up and he had to be taken off in an ambulance.
1. Getting hickeyed by a 50 year old woman against my will - Yeah, nothing quite tops the weird/awkward factor on this one. ONCE AGAIN I was at a bar and a friend and Kim started talking to this beligerantly drunk (and hideous) quintagenarian. "Blah blah blah, I've never given a BJ, Blah Blah Blah I just divorced my husband of 28 years, Blah blah blah Men only want one thing blah blah blah." During this whole drunken diatribe, I remain silent and don't say a word despite the fact that this woman my crossed legs a boob rest. Anyway, She starts crying about being too old to be single and says "I'd like a hug from this big guy here". Well, I'm not made of stone so I give her the "there-there" hug. She responds in turn by SUCKING ON MY NECK! Men are only interested in one thing in deed.
Now that I look at all this, I think I should just not go to bars. 3 out of 5 weird moments are brought to you by bar frequenting. Time to find some nice people. Fuck it, I'm going to church.